Belize

      My time spent in Belize this month was an absolute blessing and treasure from the Lord. It was exactly what I needed. The morning we caught our flight, I awoke at 4 A.M and for the first time in months, and I awoke smiling. I was anticipating the day, and what a great feeling that is! When we boarded our plane, I was all smiles again. I think my cheeks hurt from smiling the whole week!
               I wrote in my journal as we flew, "God is so good! I am 21,000 feet in the air, heading back to the country and it's people that stole my heart last year. The Lord has opened the door for me to return to Belize and I couldn't be happier! I am so ridiculously blessed. I know that God will use this heartache and grief of this semester so that I can tell others of His faithfulness, consistent provision and promises, and unending love for His beloved children. I really am just a broken vessel letting God be the navigator of these sails...and the waters have been rough. Sometimes it seems that the storm will never run out of wind and rain...can these waves get any bigger?! But, the Lord reaches out His hand. "Peace! Be still." He whispers in my ear, "You need only to be still, for the Lord your God will fight for you.". Yet, I still feel like the disciples, terrified and wondering what will happen to me! "Kaitlin, trust in Me with all your heart! Do not lean on your own understanding! In all your ways, acknowledge me and I will make your paths straight."
I reply back, "God! I'm hurt! I'm scared! What's ahead of me?!"
"My dear girl! Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified! For I am with you wherever you go."
I nod my head, but shut my eyes. I don't want to see this raging see right in front of me.
"My child..open your eyes to what I have been trying to show you. I am near, do not be afraid. Just follow where I lead. I am your navigator."
"Okay, I will follow You. Where You go, I go. Where You stay, I stay. Who You love, I love."
So today I opened my eyes. I didn't look at the raging sea. I looked ahead towards the horizon. Belize is on the horizon...and precious little children wait on the shoreline, thirsting for the love of Jesus Christ. Let the adventure begin!"
          So, as this year ends, I don't want to focus on what I lost, but on what I gained in the Lord. I have decided to fill my heart with what's important, and to be done with all the rest. I promised God at the start of 2012 that the year was for Him. And it was. Let this new year bring even more glory and praise to His name. I would be writing so much more about my trip, but I am packing for Passion 2013! (Headed to the Dome!!!)
And...let the adventure of 2013 begin!

Lessons from Above

       Well, you know it's been a rough semester when your bed sheets, pillow, and teddy bear are stained with smears of mascara, hah! But, glory to God- I have survived! I have survived this semester with a GPA of 3.7!! And I honestly do not know how except that I truly believe the Holy Spirit interceded for me on multiple occasions. I think of the days that I didn't even know a test was going to be given, the day of an exam that I hadn't slept in several nights, the nights of going to class with homework scribbled down, smudged because of the tears I had shed while attempting to do my best. THANK YOU, LORD! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I think this was another one of God's small way of showing me He provides. He provides the clarity of mind during an exam, He provides professors who were understanding. He provides. That has been a reoccurring theme the past few months of my life. The Lord gives and takes away, but blessed be His name! 
   In my community group, I had the opportunity to give a brief testimony...I really didn't want to, but I have also learned that God did not bring me through these trials to keep silent about His unending mercy, grace, provision, peace, comfort, love (the list could go on). I know I am to use this story He's been writing to share with others...so as I shared, not having a clue what I was going to say, I remember saying things I hadn't even fully comprehended myself. One of them being, is that I have learned the goodness of the Lord... the sovereign goodness of the Lord. Something I feel that is not preached in some churches is the fact that the Lord does take away...and sometimes He takes very good things away from us...Think of Job in the Bible! But, sometimes He takes something very good away because He sees that it can be even better....but we have to go through the refining fire first. During the time that He has taken away, He will always give us what we need to go on....God will always provide. His provisions do not necessarily come in the ways that we would like, but they are His perfect provisions, for He sees the entire story.
         This semester, provisions came in simple ways...ways that some would not even understand. To be entirely honest, God provided a T.V. show (Honey Boo Boo) to provide me with joy and laughter during the most difficult days. I remember being in my dorm's lobby, with other girls on my hall, famished, starving, and hurting...but, low and behold- Honey Boo Boo would make her appearance on T.V.! Haha! A dolla makes me holla, honey boo boo! I would find myself just howling in laughter, in those moments, I would forget the sadness- it was just too funny! And I honestly do thank God for that T.V. show...it gave momentary relief to the grief hovering over me. Another simple way, He provided little animals to bring me joy...a trip to Petsmart oneday let me forget what was happening as I walked around with a friend, petting people's little puppies, laughing at the hamsters, studying the uniqueness of each fish (Okay, I really am obsessed with animals, I admit. I just find them fascinating!) I have learned to thank God for the little blessings in life, for when I put my focus on what He has given me, it is so much easier to face the trials. It is through this mindset that we can see where God is giving, not just taking! When I lay down to sleep, and if I feel tempted to slip into wallowing in sadness, I begin listing in my head the blessings God has given me. Remember that childhood Sunday school song? "Count your blessings, name them one by one...count your many blessings see what God has done!" It helps, seriously.
  And He has also given me the opportunities to share my story with so many girls who have needed encouragement to take the next step. It amazes me...it's as though God has given me this door that has flown wide open, and by using my pain, my story, my struggle- others are so willing to listen to hear who God really is. My prayer is that this time in my life never becomes about me, but what God is doing through and for me. I desire for others to know the goodness and unending love of the Lord when they hear what I have gone through. I want my story to point others back to the cross. Because it is then that I can truly say that it was worth it. And I am beginning, just beginning, to see the reasons of why I will one day be able to look back on my freshman year, the tears I've cried, the pain I've endured, and be able to proclaim that I now understand that it was for the better...And when I declare that, I hope I can declare it with forgiveness in my spirit. One day, when I see him again, I want to be able to look him in the eyes- and say, "I forgive you. And thank you, thank you for being that person who walked out on me, so that God could take over. It was worth it."

    I don't know when I will be able to say that. That's going to take a lot, I mean, I am talking A LOT of interceding on the Holy Spirit's part. Because I am still learning...I am still learning what forgiveness truly is. I am still learning why this has happened. I am still learning to give everything to God.
(No, the last picture is not an old pic from the middle school peace-sign days. I have decided to live in the blessing of the Lord's peace.)

Running Free!

"I will run in the path of your commands, for You have set my heart free!"(Psalm 119:32) What a liberating verse! I will run in those paths...and I won't grow weary! My heart will be healed!
When I read this verse, I imagine myself sprinting across a field scattered with wildflowers of every color...the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, butterflies flutter away from my feet, and I throw my arms up in the air. My curls are bouncing with every step, my heart is soaring...my heart is free of the pain!!! I guess, after writing that, it kind of looks like a scene from the Sound of Music. (one of my favorites, by the way). I wonder when I will get to this point? When will I wake up with a whole heart? Every morning I wake up and I say, "This is the day the Lord has made! I will rejoice in it and be glad!" Sun or rain, I will rejoice!
Maybe one day my husband and I will run through a field of wildflowers together, with little orphans following at our heels. Haha- I don't know, I might have to force him to do that, though ;) Or perhaps we can beat on African drums together, feet red with clay, feasting on mangos and rice, holding a baby in one those slings wrapped around my back. Well, that is years away- but, I think it sounds like a nice dream to have though :)
But, what I am excited about that's not years away is flying to Belize in just 8 days! I can already taste the rice&black beans, I can smell the Belizian barbecue...I can feel the warm breeze...
The team and I had a packing party last night...if you could have just seen the room! Hundreds and hundreds of baby dolls, hair brushes, toothpaste, books, Bibles, shoes, hats, underwear...covered the floor! This will be Christmas for 660 homeless children in Belize City! Oh, oh, oh this is really happening! I am going back to the country that captivated my heart when I was just a junior in high school! The Lord is so good!
P.S.- I've been listening to this song all day as I study for my exams...I am praying the Lord will open up a door for me to serve somewhere in Africa this summer, but He keeps pointing me to another country...I still don't know where I will be this summer, but I know that it will be right where God wants me.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CG_chkskjk

Oh crap, she's up!

Y'all. I think Satan hates my guts. No, I KNOW he hates my guts. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I am running in the path of God's commands- because He has set my heart free!!
I can't even begin to write down all the instances the past weeks that I have felt his attacks...But, after one specific incident a few weeks ago, I said no more. The moment I realized what was happening, I pulled into a parking lot, and screamed. I didn't care if anyone saw or heard. I screamed in utter frustration, exhaustion, confusion, pain, but most of all- I screamed my prayer that the Lord would wrap His angels around me that He would shield me from even feeling the enemy's attacks. I beat my hands on my steering wheel, In Jesus Christ's name, I command you to leave me Satan! Try everything you can, but you cannot take my faith! Your attacks only make me stronger, leaving YOU weaker. The Lord my God is my shield, I will not fear you, I will rest in the shadow of the Almighty! I dwell in the shelter of the Most High, and nothing can pluck me from His hands. I command you to flee- now!
Ever since I prayed that prayer, hot, angry tears streaming down my face- I feel the Lord's strength. And I know that even what the enemy means for evil, God is turning it for my good...for His glory. His plans are still to prosper, He has not forgotten me. He is with me through the fire and the flood. He is faithful forever, perfect in love, He is sovereign over me.
And you know what else? Either Satan really has backed off, or the Lord is guarding me. I have never been one to ask God for his protection of angels, I don't know- maybe it's always seemed so "Hallmark" to me. But, I do not doubt the times I know He has placed His angels around me. I remember this one day, feeling at absolute ground-zero, and a woman from my church gathered me in her arms and began praying for me in her car. The more she prayed, the more I felt the presence of many...I can't explain it, and perhaps it was my imagination running wild, but the more she prayed, I felt so much peace...and an image appeared in my head, almost as if I was seeing it with my eyes. I saw the two of us, heads bowed, praying fervently to the Lord, and I saw a "heavenly host" of angels surrounding the car...they made a circle around the van, their heads bowed as well. I never opened my eyes during that prayer, but the feeling of other presences surrounding us was so strong. Looking back, I don't doubt the fact that the Lord has surrounded me with His guardian angels...to quiet me in my sleep, to walk alongside me to class, to protect me from any other outside harm.
All that being said, when my feet hit the floor in the morning...I like to picture Satan and his little demons screaming in disgust. "Nooooo! She's up, AGAIN!" I smile to myself as I get dressed for the day, Yes, I am up, AGAIN. Satan has not won, I am still living for God. Let the adventure begin... 

God, I NEED you

The title says it all. I need God. I don't just love God, I don't just worship God, I don't just pray to God...I need God. This semester has shown me my utter dependence on Him...The Lord is my strength, cliche- but I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for my relationship with Christ.

Last night I took a trip down memory lane...A drawer held my past three years- photos of prom, date nights and kisses scattered around the many journals and handwritten letters containing heartfelt promises and wild emotions. Pressed flowers and notes passed in secrecy are found at the bottom, and tears make their way to my eyes. It really was a good relationship...it really was. We were each other's first love and the holder to one another's secrets, thoughts, and dreams. We grew up together, we cried together, we ended what we truly believed could be forever. And not once was it in my will. Not once was this what I felt God telling me. Not once do I feel that this was in the Lord's plans. But, He is working good through it.
This week, I learned that his eyes now follow another girl...my heart sunk, am I not good enough? No! No! I am good enough, I am worth it! He is the one who is not worth it now. In Christ, I am complete. In Christ, I am priceless! In Christ I find my identity.
I gathered a bundle of old letters and pictures and set them ablaze in my yard's fire pit. I stood there on the brick, hopping from one foot to the next, trying to keep warm, angry tears spilling down my cheeks.    Smoke engulfed my nostrils, stinging my eyes, I almost wished he was here to witness that I no longer hold onto him. A little Taylor Swift therapy, burning the past...setting my dreams ablaze, watching them burn to ashes...now, letting God take these ashes and allowing Him to create something so beautiful out of it. But, for now, the ashes lay in the pit...as if to remind me that what used to be, is now obliterated.
Everything in me screams to drive over to his home, to demand answers, to let him see what he longer holds. Yet, I have more dignity than that. I am better than that. I will not pursue the one who trampled my heart, no, I am waiting for the Lord to bring the right man into my life who will guard my heart, who will see me as a daughter of the King, a woman who longs to share the adventure of life with my husband someday. I pray for a man who will accompany me to foreign countries, love on the least of these, and protect and cherish the woman that God is creating me to be. I wonder where he is...

Rich in Blessings- What a Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I thank God for His consistent provision and promises in my life. The Lord gives and takes away, but blessed be His name! I am beginning to learn what Paul meant in Philippians 4 when he writes to the church in Philippi about learning to be content in all things. Here was this man, chained, locked up, and heavens to betsy- he had never even married (okay, that's just a personal side note, but still) and he was being imprisoned for following Christ's commands of spreading His word to the ends of the earth. Paul was stoned, starved, beaten, shipwrecked, etc. and he was still able to honestly proclaim that he was content in his circumstances. Surely, I can learn to be thankful in my trials.
I awoke and after thinking for a while, I felt so blessed this morning. Yet, I had to actively make that choice. I initially awoke from another disagreeable dream (this dream occurs nearly every night over and over, I see him, I walk up and give a loving hug and he shoves me away, turns his back- and begins to walk down a long road, hands in his pocket, shoulders slouched. I'll follow, and he continues pushing me away- without ever looking at my face) But this morning, I chose to be joyful...it is a day to celebrate all the blessings in my life! And holy cow, I really do have a lot.
Here are just a couple of recent blessings:
        -I am now Aunt Kate!!! I think my heart may burst in happiness and joy!..My first niece, Felicity Joy, was born this month and how perfect her name fits her (Felicity means happiness in latin). She is such a blessing from God...I have spent every day this thanksgiving break holding her, cuddling her, changing diapers and just studying this precious little face that makes me forget any sorrow. Aunthood is incredible already.
          -Another blessing from God... last year I went on a mission trip to Belize. I completely fell in love with the country, the culture, and its' people...ever since, I have prayed for a way to go back. Well, in exactly three weeks I will be boarding a plane to go back to this country that stole my heart! God is so good...
         -My family who is so supportive of me, loving me every day as I go through this. My friends, who have cried with me, laughed with me, prayed with me, encouraged me, distracted me etc. And an uplifting university...the campus is filled with the Holy Spirit and as I walk to class each day, I can see Christ's love just shining through so many of faces that either attend or work here.
                                                I am rich in the blessings of the Lord! 
                                                 

War Cries

"I won't give up on us, I will always fight for you, I will never stop loving you."
Was it really just seven weeks ago these sweet words were whispered in my ear, bundled up on his campus' field, the coming of autumn was felt through the chilled wind. My heart was smiling, warm and in love, I kissed his cheek,"I am so blessed! We are so blessed. Look how far God has brought us."
           Seven weeks later, I stare out my window. Burnt red and glowing orange leaves blow past my window, and my heart sinks. He stopped fighting for me. He stopped pursuing me. Without any warning, he quit his game of love. 
           I remember a summer day, swimming in the lake together, and as we rested on our floats, he asked me, "What is your biggest wound in life?" We had just finished reading both Captivating and Wild at Heart. I had to think for a moment...I didn't have a 'biggest wound'. We continued on with our day, never having a clue that the deepest wound he would someday cause. This wound goes deeper than just a break up, this wound penetrates my very soul, and it can only healed by the Lord... Sometimes it hurts too bad, it hurts to realize that he stopped fighting for me. I can't explain it, but it absolutely just pierces somewhere in my heart that goes so deep, I didn't know existed in me. It's as if I'm not worth it. And that's when Satan just has a hoedown. He just loves to whisper in my ear that I'm not worth it, that I am not beautiful enough to be loved, that I can't possibly find true love now that this boy has thrown my heart away.
          For five hours I laid on my bed the other night and sobbed. I felt as though there were bricks on my chest, I couldn't breathe...I tried to take a breath, and it was if I was being strangled. I couldn't even move my body. In moments like those, there seems to be only way to escape the pain. But it's a lie. It's a lie from the enemy himself, and I have to remind myself- If Satan sees my life as something to attack, then he must know of some HUGE plans God has in store for...plans that make Satan and his followers shake in fear! The Lord reminded me, as I laid there thinking thoughts from the devil himself, "You have a calling in life, a calling that I have given to you, my dear daughter. Do not give up now, this is only the beginning." I flung tissues off my bed.
          "God- I am tired of your calling! Give it to someone else! I don't want it if this is what it causes."
          "My child, you do not see what this calling will cause...it will transform lives, it will bring healing to the broken, it will wipe away the tears of many, it will begin a revolution in hearts and lives- you need to only let Me work through You. It is worth it. I am and will use you, I am not done with you!"
        "But it hurts."
        "I will use the pain to advance my kingdom."
        "What if don't want to be used."
         An image of those children (I still don't know who or where they are) flashes before me...their eyes hunger for love, their little hands ache for a mommy's touch, their hearts cry out for something more.
        "Did you that, my child? Did you see those children? They need you, because they need Me."
         I know that I am not just fighting a battle of a broken heart and missing my first love, but I am fighting a battle that Satan is loving...a battle to distract me from how God wants to use me, a battle to discourage me, a battle to bring me down and keep me focused on anything but the Lord and how He can work in me during this trial. I thank God I am able to recognize who it is that is attacking and that I know how to rebuke him! (Ephesians 6:11)

I Rest Assured

I run my fingers through my curls, scratching my scalp, something feels different. I look in my hairbrush, so that's where all of you go now! I glance in the mirror, clothes once tight, hang loose on my hips and shoulders. It's okay- I'll just throw a sweatshirt on. I grab some ibuprofen...more headaches, more backaches. Where is the medicine for the heartache? Maybe some extra blush will add some color to my face. If only I could paint on a permanent smile. Another run to the bathroom, another knock on a friend's door. I can't do this alone. Another hug, another verse whispered, "You can do this, Kate! You are so strong!"
The physical effects of heart ache. 

I sit in the library, "You are rejected. You were abandoned. You were fooled. You were just a piece in a game. You will never find another like him (Maybe that's a good thing...). You think this is worth it? Worth, what? Nobody even cares about you. You are invisible. You will never be loved again.You think it's getting better? You can't fight this battle. Wouldn't it be easier...wouldn't it be easier if just weren't here anymore? Leave, leave this life. Is this the life you prayed for?
The emotional effects of spiritual warfare. 

I quickly pack up my bookbag and race out of the library. Away from the lies. Away from the darkness hovering over me. Autumn leaves swirl around my boots, tears sting my eyes, I just want to rest. Give me joy, Lord. Give me joy through the sorrow. A squirrel scurries across the pavement, the sun warms my body, an upperclassmen girl walks up. "Can I pray for you, right now?" Yes, yes- please. We bow our heads, students pass us, hurrying to class. Taking a moment, we give it to the Lord. "You will get through this, the Lord has you here for a reason...the plans are so much greater than just this temporary pain."
The effects of the body of Christ coming together when one is mourning. 

 Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness! I rest assured that You are restoring me, You are refining me, You are healing me, You are preparing me, You are strengthening me, You are using me, You are growing me, You are healing me, You are creating a masterpiece...a beautiful design, a beautiful life, and a beautiful story for me to tell someday. 

Shooting Stars&Dreams

The Lord is faithful in His word. "Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest." 
This past weekend I went with BCM (the Baptist College Ministry I'm involved in on my campus) to a retreat in the mountains. The cabins were rustic, but the memories made there are fond ones. I went to summer camp there as a little girl...when I walk those trails, I am brought back to the days of french braids, sunburnt noses, mosquito bites, and laughter with friends. I even went on my senior retreat, last year, to this camp. I remember walking around with old friends that I've grown up with for the past 12 years, knowing everything in our lives was about to change. I am not sure I like change anymore. Change hurts. It was interesting to walk these same paths, looking back on my life...seeing where God has taken me, and where He is taking me...Last year, I thought I'd be in Belize with YWAM by this time, but God has taken me other places, with new people and friendships.
We all hiked up to the top of a mountain on Saturday night to watch the meteor shower...it was so beautiful. Our God is such an amazing creator! I was mesmerized by the fact that I could even see the faint glow of the Milky Way, and as stars shot through the sky, I tried to think of a wish to make...none came to me. I don't even know what my wishes and dreams are anymore. I used to know. Not anymore. All I know is that God has placed a burning passion within my heart to go to the ends of the earth and to display His love to humanity...to wrap my arms around the little girl who stands on the street corner at night, to kiss the cheeks of an abandoned baby, to hold the hands of children who hunger for attention, to pray with the young mother who can't afford a mouth to feed, to be a light to those walking in darkness. That's all I know now...and the fact that God has me at this college for a reason, for some reason. Anyways, by nightfall, I was really anxious as I laid down in my bunk. What if more nightmares came? What if I cried out during the night, and woke the other girls up? I asked the Lord to fill my sleep with peace, and I didn't know this, but my friend, Rachel, prayed Psalm 4:8 over me as she fell asleep, too. "I will lie down and sleep, for you, alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8. She even asked the Lord to wake her up if I needed her during the night. 
When I awoke that morning, all the girls told me that I woke them up last night, sleep talking and laughing in my sleep! Haha! I don't know what I was laughing about, but apparently it carried on for quite some time because they couldn't fall back asleep..But, God answered our prayers, and even through some humor in there! He even woke Rachel up, so that she could see this girl laughing joyfully in her sleeping bag...one step closer to healing, one more answered prayer. 

I AM SO EXHAUSTED

The other night was 80's skate night at my college...I was all excited, until I felt that all my friends had "forgotten" about me. I guess it was just the little straw that broke the camel's back..I hadn't cried in a few days, thinking that maybe I was getting stronger. But, I lost it. I realized how utterly lonely I am. I am sad. I am grieving. I am so very EXHAUSTED. I want a quit button! This is not easy!
Can I just say it? I MISS MY BEST FRIEND.  Life with him made perfect sense. I miss him, God, I MISS HIM! 
I am tired of these nightmares. Crying out in the middle of the night, tossing and turning, by the time the morning light pours through my blinds, I am exhausted already. Every night is a battle. Every day is a struggle. Dreams of snakes slithering around my ankles, drowning in dark waters, and seeing backs turning on me- I can't take it anymore. Lord, take it. Fill my nights with peace, I beg You! 
Anyways, I am just so tired. How much longer can I run this race?
But, just when I feel like I just can't go on...God provides. This time, he provided a loving letter from a girl living on my hall. I don't know her well, we don't talk, and she doesn't know what I'm going through. So, as I lay down to go to sleep, after sobbing to my mom on the phone, my roommate walks in and said there was a letter underneath the door. "Dear Kate, I can't explain why, but ever since we arrived here at college, I can't you off my mind...I really feel that God has placed you on my heart to be praying for you..." This brought me to tears. God does remember me...and He reminded me by using a girl on my hall. Thank you, Jesus! It was as if He gave me a little cup of water just when I beginning to dehydrate...it's not much, but it will keep me running the next few yards. I have to continually remind myself- God knows what He's doing. He sees it all. It's so hard to remember, but I keep pressing on...keeping the faith that I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint...because my hope is in the Lord!
P.S.- God did send a friend to knock on my door as I cried to my mom that no one remembered me. She also needed someone to go with her to the party. Another provision from the Lord. 

I Just Remembered

I just remembered a dream I had years and years ago...I'm talking, probably about 7-8 years ago. In my dream, from what I remember, a hurricane had just swept through a land, leaving hundreds of children as orphans. My mom and I were there, and found a large tub on top of a trash pile. We filled the tub up, and placed one of the little boys in the tub. We scrubbed and rinsed his filthy body clean... I remember waking up and wanting to help children like that in real life.
I can't believe I just remembered a dream from so long ago...it shows me that God has been subtly revealing things to me slowly over time in the form of dreams at night, and by day- a  passion that never leaves.

Waiting for the Waves

The ocean waves crash outside, seagulls soar overhead, the sand stays entangled in my hair, and my muscles slightly sore from biking around the island. How refreshing it is to be experiencing, in my opinion, one of God's most beautiful creations- the Atlantic ocean. But, as I stand in the waves, small ripples splash my knees, the water swirls around me, shells under my feet poke my skin, and suddenly out of no where a huge wave comes crashing down. It knocks me backwards, I don't know which way is up- where am I?! The sand swirls in my face, my throat burns from the salt. I finally poke my head up. Another wave catches me, and under I go. I am twisted into multiple directions, I can't see anything! I feel the impact of the waves, and suddenly- all is still. The sun is shining, the gulls are squawking. I push the strings of hair back behind my ear, and make my way towards shore. The waves continue, but I am safely on the sand. I can turn back and see behind me what I was just submersed under. Soon the under toe won't be as strong, soon the waves will become smaller and less intense. But I have to have my feet steady on solid ground.

A Wrecked Life

       How do I even begin? Jesus is wrecking my life into pieces...and He is going to bring it back together into something far more beautiful than I could ever imagine! What the Lord has allowed to happen in my life is not ideal, it wasn't asked for, it wasn't even dreamed of... Prior to all of this, life was great. There wasn't much to complain about, I had it good. And God saw that it was good...but saw that it could be even better. God has seen potential in this freshman college girl. So, as this girl wrapped her arms around the boy she's fallen in love with, was spun around and kissed one last time before bidding farewell forever; God reminded her "It's not the end, dear girl. This is only the beginning of the life I have in store for you."
          But, the unanswered questions I am left with are daunting. The broken heart that was thrown at me still aches. The emptiness inside of me longs for the boy I fell in love with...the same one who has hurt me deeper than any human ever could. The grief I am experiencing is real, too real. I am dealing with the death of the person I grew to love so much, and grappling with the idea that he is no longer the that same person. He has a long road ahead of him, and it's not a road I am meant to travel alongside.
               The spiritual warfare continues. I wake up multiple times during the night, drenched in cold sweat, gasping for air, and I hear the voices. "This will never end. You will always hurt. The wound will never heal. Look at what he has done to you, look at what God has done to you! End your life, that's the only way to escape!" I bury myself deep into my covers, panting, my heart feels frozen, I search for my teddy bear...can I be ten years old again? In those moments, it feels to heavy...I see no light. But, then I see those faces...those sweet, little innocent faces...bald heads, tattered clothing, they're singing..they're giggling, they're holding my hand, they call me mommy. I don't know where on earth these precious children are, but somewhere in this world the Lord is preparing a place for me to live someday, and I will care for these little lives, I will love them because Christ has shown me what unconditional love is.
             So I turn my lamp on, hoping not wake the roommate up. I reach for my Bible, although everything around me screams, "No! It's just a book!" I open to Proverbs. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on YOUR own understanding, but in ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and He WILL direct your path. 

          I glance on my shelf, a picture of a little Panamanian girl kissing my cheek greets me. The frames of a young high school couple happily in love have been taken down, and replacing them is a long piece of fabric, with an African family painted onto it, carrying water jugs atop their head. I slowly drift back off to sleep...
I'll wake again. The voices continue. My stomach churns. "How much longer can I do this?" I take a deep breathe, one hour at a time...And I somehow manage to fall asleep, reciting scripture.
The morning light greets me. This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it! 
Yes, let me glad in today, in tomorrow, and in the tears and laughter that the days may hold because Jesus is wrecking my life...into something far more beautiful that I could ever imagine! 

My Burden

Anyone who is reading this, please keep me in your prayers tomorrow (Monday) at 4:15...I am in need of the Lord's strength that only He can supply...pray that God will fill me with peace that surpasses all understanding...pray that He will surround me with angels who will guard me in all m ways...pray that the Holy Spirit would speak through me...Pray that my heart will be tender to God's will, and not my own. And pray this for the boy, too. He needs it more than me, I think.
"Lord, take my burden...it is too heavy to carry anymore...I cannot do this alone...Lift the sorrow off of my shoulders, show me the joy that You have for me. This is too much, God. Too much."

"Am I laughing!?"

A phone call with an old friend this weekend reminded me that I can laugh again...that I haven't lost myself...I am still in there...my pain will not define me. But the three hours spent on the phone was so encouraging. I had forgotten what it felt like to laugh so hard that my stomach aches, aches in happiness! During that phone call, I saw a a tiny glimmer of hope...I will laugh again. I will run and not grow weary. I will gorge myself with fried chicken and I'll keep it down. I will rejoice with pure joy, I will skip like a young girl again, I will be able to look around and say "What a wonderful world!" I will one day be able to look back on this time in my life and say "The Lord was faithful. The Lord brought me through. And because of my trials, I have become a stronger woman of God, and the joy He has given me surpasses all pain I've ever experience. It was worth it". One day, I will be able to declare all of that...and what a glorious day it will be when I wake up with a whole heart again.
           

Passion 2013

A few weeks ago, I was able to go home and spend the weekend with my family. Thank the Lord, because He knew I would need it. He knew that even though I claim to be "grown up" now- I would need my mom to hold my hair back as I threw up the nerves and heartache, I would need Dad's hugs, and my brother's silly laughter during a time of pain in my life. I awoke Sunday morning, my entire body ached. I had already lost 8 pounds that week (some girls gorge their stomachs with Ben&Jerry chocolate icecream, but not me) and I was feeling incredibly weary. I was at lost as to what to do, and I was pretty certain this must be what death felt like. I got on youtube, and meant to type "Our God" but somehow I ended up typing "How Great is Our God" and clicking on a video I didn't even want to watch...But, the moment it began, a crowd of 45,000 college students is shown- arms raised and praising the Lord...the song was being sung in multiple languages, and a slideshow at the event depicted barefoot children standing in trash piles, Indians bicycling through the bustling city of Mumbai, African children running through the bush, and hurting people of all nations.


...While watching the video, my worries began to fade away...my pain of this world didn't matter...I was watching with my own eyes what God has called me to do. The song, the video, the collaboration of slides shown, it hit home. It hit my hurting heart...and my heart began crying out, "See! This is what I was made for!" Suddenly, I felt peace, the peace was so reassuring that I began sobbing...is this what it takes for God to bring me to the plans He has had all along for me? Does it take an aching, broken heart to know the pain of this world in order to minister to others? Does it take bringing me to my absolute lowest point in order to bring me to my highest point? God has allowed me to be brought to ground-zero, my face flat on the ground, choking on the dirt, and my body suffering from the fall. I know, though, without a shadow of a doubt- God will make beautiful things out of this brokenness...God is making me new, He is refining me...He's getting rid of the junk and replacing it with His fruits. It is painful. It is worth it.
P.S.- My suitemate, a friend from high school, and I will all be roadtrippin' it down to Passion 2013 this January! All because I stumbled across that video. I encourage anybody who hasn't watched it yet, to watch it. It is so powerful... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyGD3zH9Xvc&feature=related

Aching

My heart is aching. My heart is aching. MY HEART IS ACHING.
I gave my heart in trust that if was to ever be returned, it would be unscathed. Two and a half years later, I am left picking up the pieces and holding bandages to my chest, crying out, "Why!?! How could you?" So many broken promises. How will I ever learn to trust again?

A Taste of What is to Come

        The Lord has heard my cry and has given just a glimpse, just a small taste, of what is to come. He works in mysterious ways!
       Weeks ago, before any of this had happened, I had agreed to share a testimony/devotion in my FYE class (Freshman Year Experience). Last week, I became too nervous and backed out. But at the very last minute (meaning, the 10 minutes prior to class yesterday morning) God changed my heart. I was able to share in front of the class what God was doing in my life, the attacks of Satan, and how I trust that this is all a part of a bigger picture that I just can't see right now. Afterwards, I felt encouraged...it felt like a small step in the healing process, and I went to visit my nurse and talk with her for awhile (I consider her to be my campus mommy) so I was feeling rather "good" for the remaining part of the day.
        Then, the roommate left, the suitemates fell asleep, and I was alone. Satan again began speaking lies into my ears, and it was too much to bear. I picked up my Bible and read Psalm after Psalm after Psalm...I recommitted my life...I prayed that God would use my experience to draw others closer to Him. I said Amen, and checked my phone...a girl from my FYE class had texted me, saying she couldn't sleep, she felt too overwhelmed, and wanted to let me know that she could identify with the pain I was experiencing. Long story short, it was past midnight, but I felt the Holy Spirit urge me to invite her to come over to my dorm. She walked across campus through the pouring, cold, rain with her Bible she received on move-in day here on campus. Her face was weary, her eyes told of a pain that I understood all too well.
      I have hardly spoken to this girl, she's one of our volleyball players from Puerto Rico, but I suppose she saw something in me...she saw me as someone who would listen as she poured out her heart as we sat on my fuzzy, green rug as the thunder rolled outside. I listened to her as she told me of all her sleepless nights here at college, how she will run the perimeter of the campus at 3am to try to escape the pain in her heart, and how she just doesn't understand how we, sinful humans, can have a relationship with Jesus Christ.
        For two hours, we sat on my floor and searched the Bible for answers, for verses, for clarity. She was so eager to learn how to find scripture in the Bible, and told me that the Bible that Anderson gave us has become so dear to her. She was anxious to highlight and mark any verses I told her of, but told me she was dumbfounded that it could be so clear in the Bible, but that everyone seemed to have a different perspective back at her Puerto Rican Catholic church.
      I couldn't help but be amazed that how just the hour before, I was begging the Lord to give me direction, to let my story bring others to Him, that something good would come out of this painful mess.  The Lord is already answering my prayers...as I prayed over a dear girl with an aching heart at 2 a.m. I couldn't help but become overwhelmed that me being able to witness to this international student here on campus (whom I've never even had a friendship with) was just a minuscule taste of what God is preparing me to do. It was as if God heard my cries, and decided that He would let me glimpse into the future for just a brief moment. He allowed me to see for a moment that He can turn sorrow into joy...and use it to advance His kingdom.

Let this life be for You, O Lord!

I recommitted my life to Christ tonight...standing on the hard floor of my dorm room here in Kingsley, I released my own spirit- I am the Lord's. I am His work. I am His testimony. I am living for Him. I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior two days before my eighth birthday and was baptized at 16 years old. I didn't know pain then. I didn't know what it meant to fully let go of everything I held dear and give it to the Lord. So, tonight, I gave it ALL to Him. This is no longer my life, but this is the Lord's. From October 1st, 2012, and on- this life will be lived for His glory. I will rejoice in trials and triumph. I will seek Him in all that do. I have decided to follow Jesus with my whole heart. Jesus has conquered my pain already, He is the God of my salvation, He is risen, He is holy and I am HIS! I may be tired and weary, but I have come before the Lord just as I am, and I am letting His mercy heal my heart. I have come to accept the fact that if it takes a broken heart full of pain to bring me closer to the Lord and the plans He has for me, then let it be. This isn't Kaitlin's life anymore. This is God's story. Let this mess be turned into something beautiful so that His name will be lifted higher....I am letting go of my life, I am trusting in His promises... And the spirit of God has filled me with joy!