I Rest Assured

I run my fingers through my curls, scratching my scalp, something feels different. I look in my hairbrush, so that's where all of you go now! I glance in the mirror, clothes once tight, hang loose on my hips and shoulders. It's okay- I'll just throw a sweatshirt on. I grab some ibuprofen...more headaches, more backaches. Where is the medicine for the heartache? Maybe some extra blush will add some color to my face. If only I could paint on a permanent smile. Another run to the bathroom, another knock on a friend's door. I can't do this alone. Another hug, another verse whispered, "You can do this, Kate! You are so strong!"
The physical effects of heart ache. 

I sit in the library, "You are rejected. You were abandoned. You were fooled. You were just a piece in a game. You will never find another like him (Maybe that's a good thing...). You think this is worth it? Worth, what? Nobody even cares about you. You are invisible. You will never be loved again.You think it's getting better? You can't fight this battle. Wouldn't it be easier...wouldn't it be easier if just weren't here anymore? Leave, leave this life. Is this the life you prayed for?
The emotional effects of spiritual warfare. 

I quickly pack up my bookbag and race out of the library. Away from the lies. Away from the darkness hovering over me. Autumn leaves swirl around my boots, tears sting my eyes, I just want to rest. Give me joy, Lord. Give me joy through the sorrow. A squirrel scurries across the pavement, the sun warms my body, an upperclassmen girl walks up. "Can I pray for you, right now?" Yes, yes- please. We bow our heads, students pass us, hurrying to class. Taking a moment, we give it to the Lord. "You will get through this, the Lord has you here for a reason...the plans are so much greater than just this temporary pain."
The effects of the body of Christ coming together when one is mourning. 

 Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness! I rest assured that You are restoring me, You are refining me, You are healing me, You are preparing me, You are strengthening me, You are using me, You are growing me, You are healing me, You are creating a masterpiece...a beautiful design, a beautiful life, and a beautiful story for me to tell someday. 

Shooting Stars&Dreams

The Lord is faithful in His word. "Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest." 
This past weekend I went with BCM (the Baptist College Ministry I'm involved in on my campus) to a retreat in the mountains. The cabins were rustic, but the memories made there are fond ones. I went to summer camp there as a little girl...when I walk those trails, I am brought back to the days of french braids, sunburnt noses, mosquito bites, and laughter with friends. I even went on my senior retreat, last year, to this camp. I remember walking around with old friends that I've grown up with for the past 12 years, knowing everything in our lives was about to change. I am not sure I like change anymore. Change hurts. It was interesting to walk these same paths, looking back on my life...seeing where God has taken me, and where He is taking me...Last year, I thought I'd be in Belize with YWAM by this time, but God has taken me other places, with new people and friendships.
We all hiked up to the top of a mountain on Saturday night to watch the meteor shower...it was so beautiful. Our God is such an amazing creator! I was mesmerized by the fact that I could even see the faint glow of the Milky Way, and as stars shot through the sky, I tried to think of a wish to make...none came to me. I don't even know what my wishes and dreams are anymore. I used to know. Not anymore. All I know is that God has placed a burning passion within my heart to go to the ends of the earth and to display His love to humanity...to wrap my arms around the little girl who stands on the street corner at night, to kiss the cheeks of an abandoned baby, to hold the hands of children who hunger for attention, to pray with the young mother who can't afford a mouth to feed, to be a light to those walking in darkness. That's all I know now...and the fact that God has me at this college for a reason, for some reason. Anyways, by nightfall, I was really anxious as I laid down in my bunk. What if more nightmares came? What if I cried out during the night, and woke the other girls up? I asked the Lord to fill my sleep with peace, and I didn't know this, but my friend, Rachel, prayed Psalm 4:8 over me as she fell asleep, too. "I will lie down and sleep, for you, alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8. She even asked the Lord to wake her up if I needed her during the night. 
When I awoke that morning, all the girls told me that I woke them up last night, sleep talking and laughing in my sleep! Haha! I don't know what I was laughing about, but apparently it carried on for quite some time because they couldn't fall back asleep..But, God answered our prayers, and even through some humor in there! He even woke Rachel up, so that she could see this girl laughing joyfully in her sleeping bag...one step closer to healing, one more answered prayer. 

I AM SO EXHAUSTED

The other night was 80's skate night at my college...I was all excited, until I felt that all my friends had "forgotten" about me. I guess it was just the little straw that broke the camel's back..I hadn't cried in a few days, thinking that maybe I was getting stronger. But, I lost it. I realized how utterly lonely I am. I am sad. I am grieving. I am so very EXHAUSTED. I want a quit button! This is not easy!
Can I just say it? I MISS MY BEST FRIEND.  Life with him made perfect sense. I miss him, God, I MISS HIM! 
I am tired of these nightmares. Crying out in the middle of the night, tossing and turning, by the time the morning light pours through my blinds, I am exhausted already. Every night is a battle. Every day is a struggle. Dreams of snakes slithering around my ankles, drowning in dark waters, and seeing backs turning on me- I can't take it anymore. Lord, take it. Fill my nights with peace, I beg You! 
Anyways, I am just so tired. How much longer can I run this race?
But, just when I feel like I just can't go on...God provides. This time, he provided a loving letter from a girl living on my hall. I don't know her well, we don't talk, and she doesn't know what I'm going through. So, as I lay down to go to sleep, after sobbing to my mom on the phone, my roommate walks in and said there was a letter underneath the door. "Dear Kate, I can't explain why, but ever since we arrived here at college, I can't you off my mind...I really feel that God has placed you on my heart to be praying for you..." This brought me to tears. God does remember me...and He reminded me by using a girl on my hall. Thank you, Jesus! It was as if He gave me a little cup of water just when I beginning to dehydrate...it's not much, but it will keep me running the next few yards. I have to continually remind myself- God knows what He's doing. He sees it all. It's so hard to remember, but I keep pressing on...keeping the faith that I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint...because my hope is in the Lord!
P.S.- God did send a friend to knock on my door as I cried to my mom that no one remembered me. She also needed someone to go with her to the party. Another provision from the Lord. 

I Just Remembered

I just remembered a dream I had years and years ago...I'm talking, probably about 7-8 years ago. In my dream, from what I remember, a hurricane had just swept through a land, leaving hundreds of children as orphans. My mom and I were there, and found a large tub on top of a trash pile. We filled the tub up, and placed one of the little boys in the tub. We scrubbed and rinsed his filthy body clean... I remember waking up and wanting to help children like that in real life.
I can't believe I just remembered a dream from so long ago...it shows me that God has been subtly revealing things to me slowly over time in the form of dreams at night, and by day- a  passion that never leaves.

Waiting for the Waves

The ocean waves crash outside, seagulls soar overhead, the sand stays entangled in my hair, and my muscles slightly sore from biking around the island. How refreshing it is to be experiencing, in my opinion, one of God's most beautiful creations- the Atlantic ocean. But, as I stand in the waves, small ripples splash my knees, the water swirls around me, shells under my feet poke my skin, and suddenly out of no where a huge wave comes crashing down. It knocks me backwards, I don't know which way is up- where am I?! The sand swirls in my face, my throat burns from the salt. I finally poke my head up. Another wave catches me, and under I go. I am twisted into multiple directions, I can't see anything! I feel the impact of the waves, and suddenly- all is still. The sun is shining, the gulls are squawking. I push the strings of hair back behind my ear, and make my way towards shore. The waves continue, but I am safely on the sand. I can turn back and see behind me what I was just submersed under. Soon the under toe won't be as strong, soon the waves will become smaller and less intense. But I have to have my feet steady on solid ground.

A Wrecked Life

       How do I even begin? Jesus is wrecking my life into pieces...and He is going to bring it back together into something far more beautiful than I could ever imagine! What the Lord has allowed to happen in my life is not ideal, it wasn't asked for, it wasn't even dreamed of... Prior to all of this, life was great. There wasn't much to complain about, I had it good. And God saw that it was good...but saw that it could be even better. God has seen potential in this freshman college girl. So, as this girl wrapped her arms around the boy she's fallen in love with, was spun around and kissed one last time before bidding farewell forever; God reminded her "It's not the end, dear girl. This is only the beginning of the life I have in store for you."
          But, the unanswered questions I am left with are daunting. The broken heart that was thrown at me still aches. The emptiness inside of me longs for the boy I fell in love with...the same one who has hurt me deeper than any human ever could. The grief I am experiencing is real, too real. I am dealing with the death of the person I grew to love so much, and grappling with the idea that he is no longer the that same person. He has a long road ahead of him, and it's not a road I am meant to travel alongside.
               The spiritual warfare continues. I wake up multiple times during the night, drenched in cold sweat, gasping for air, and I hear the voices. "This will never end. You will always hurt. The wound will never heal. Look at what he has done to you, look at what God has done to you! End your life, that's the only way to escape!" I bury myself deep into my covers, panting, my heart feels frozen, I search for my teddy bear...can I be ten years old again? In those moments, it feels to heavy...I see no light. But, then I see those faces...those sweet, little innocent faces...bald heads, tattered clothing, they're singing..they're giggling, they're holding my hand, they call me mommy. I don't know where on earth these precious children are, but somewhere in this world the Lord is preparing a place for me to live someday, and I will care for these little lives, I will love them because Christ has shown me what unconditional love is.
             So I turn my lamp on, hoping not wake the roommate up. I reach for my Bible, although everything around me screams, "No! It's just a book!" I open to Proverbs. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on YOUR own understanding, but in ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and He WILL direct your path. 

          I glance on my shelf, a picture of a little Panamanian girl kissing my cheek greets me. The frames of a young high school couple happily in love have been taken down, and replacing them is a long piece of fabric, with an African family painted onto it, carrying water jugs atop their head. I slowly drift back off to sleep...
I'll wake again. The voices continue. My stomach churns. "How much longer can I do this?" I take a deep breathe, one hour at a time...And I somehow manage to fall asleep, reciting scripture.
The morning light greets me. This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it! 
Yes, let me glad in today, in tomorrow, and in the tears and laughter that the days may hold because Jesus is wrecking my life...into something far more beautiful that I could ever imagine! 

My Burden

Anyone who is reading this, please keep me in your prayers tomorrow (Monday) at 4:15...I am in need of the Lord's strength that only He can supply...pray that God will fill me with peace that surpasses all understanding...pray that He will surround me with angels who will guard me in all m ways...pray that the Holy Spirit would speak through me...Pray that my heart will be tender to God's will, and not my own. And pray this for the boy, too. He needs it more than me, I think.
"Lord, take my burden...it is too heavy to carry anymore...I cannot do this alone...Lift the sorrow off of my shoulders, show me the joy that You have for me. This is too much, God. Too much."

"Am I laughing!?"

A phone call with an old friend this weekend reminded me that I can laugh again...that I haven't lost myself...I am still in there...my pain will not define me. But the three hours spent on the phone was so encouraging. I had forgotten what it felt like to laugh so hard that my stomach aches, aches in happiness! During that phone call, I saw a a tiny glimmer of hope...I will laugh again. I will run and not grow weary. I will gorge myself with fried chicken and I'll keep it down. I will rejoice with pure joy, I will skip like a young girl again, I will be able to look around and say "What a wonderful world!" I will one day be able to look back on this time in my life and say "The Lord was faithful. The Lord brought me through. And because of my trials, I have become a stronger woman of God, and the joy He has given me surpasses all pain I've ever experience. It was worth it". One day, I will be able to declare all of that...and what a glorious day it will be when I wake up with a whole heart again.
           

Passion 2013

A few weeks ago, I was able to go home and spend the weekend with my family. Thank the Lord, because He knew I would need it. He knew that even though I claim to be "grown up" now- I would need my mom to hold my hair back as I threw up the nerves and heartache, I would need Dad's hugs, and my brother's silly laughter during a time of pain in my life. I awoke Sunday morning, my entire body ached. I had already lost 8 pounds that week (some girls gorge their stomachs with Ben&Jerry chocolate icecream, but not me) and I was feeling incredibly weary. I was at lost as to what to do, and I was pretty certain this must be what death felt like. I got on youtube, and meant to type "Our God" but somehow I ended up typing "How Great is Our God" and clicking on a video I didn't even want to watch...But, the moment it began, a crowd of 45,000 college students is shown- arms raised and praising the Lord...the song was being sung in multiple languages, and a slideshow at the event depicted barefoot children standing in trash piles, Indians bicycling through the bustling city of Mumbai, African children running through the bush, and hurting people of all nations.


...While watching the video, my worries began to fade away...my pain of this world didn't matter...I was watching with my own eyes what God has called me to do. The song, the video, the collaboration of slides shown, it hit home. It hit my hurting heart...and my heart began crying out, "See! This is what I was made for!" Suddenly, I felt peace, the peace was so reassuring that I began sobbing...is this what it takes for God to bring me to the plans He has had all along for me? Does it take an aching, broken heart to know the pain of this world in order to minister to others? Does it take bringing me to my absolute lowest point in order to bring me to my highest point? God has allowed me to be brought to ground-zero, my face flat on the ground, choking on the dirt, and my body suffering from the fall. I know, though, without a shadow of a doubt- God will make beautiful things out of this brokenness...God is making me new, He is refining me...He's getting rid of the junk and replacing it with His fruits. It is painful. It is worth it.
P.S.- My suitemate, a friend from high school, and I will all be roadtrippin' it down to Passion 2013 this January! All because I stumbled across that video. I encourage anybody who hasn't watched it yet, to watch it. It is so powerful... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyGD3zH9Xvc&feature=related

Aching

My heart is aching. My heart is aching. MY HEART IS ACHING.
I gave my heart in trust that if was to ever be returned, it would be unscathed. Two and a half years later, I am left picking up the pieces and holding bandages to my chest, crying out, "Why!?! How could you?" So many broken promises. How will I ever learn to trust again?

A Taste of What is to Come

        The Lord has heard my cry and has given just a glimpse, just a small taste, of what is to come. He works in mysterious ways!
       Weeks ago, before any of this had happened, I had agreed to share a testimony/devotion in my FYE class (Freshman Year Experience). Last week, I became too nervous and backed out. But at the very last minute (meaning, the 10 minutes prior to class yesterday morning) God changed my heart. I was able to share in front of the class what God was doing in my life, the attacks of Satan, and how I trust that this is all a part of a bigger picture that I just can't see right now. Afterwards, I felt encouraged...it felt like a small step in the healing process, and I went to visit my nurse and talk with her for awhile (I consider her to be my campus mommy) so I was feeling rather "good" for the remaining part of the day.
        Then, the roommate left, the suitemates fell asleep, and I was alone. Satan again began speaking lies into my ears, and it was too much to bear. I picked up my Bible and read Psalm after Psalm after Psalm...I recommitted my life...I prayed that God would use my experience to draw others closer to Him. I said Amen, and checked my phone...a girl from my FYE class had texted me, saying she couldn't sleep, she felt too overwhelmed, and wanted to let me know that she could identify with the pain I was experiencing. Long story short, it was past midnight, but I felt the Holy Spirit urge me to invite her to come over to my dorm. She walked across campus through the pouring, cold, rain with her Bible she received on move-in day here on campus. Her face was weary, her eyes told of a pain that I understood all too well.
      I have hardly spoken to this girl, she's one of our volleyball players from Puerto Rico, but I suppose she saw something in me...she saw me as someone who would listen as she poured out her heart as we sat on my fuzzy, green rug as the thunder rolled outside. I listened to her as she told me of all her sleepless nights here at college, how she will run the perimeter of the campus at 3am to try to escape the pain in her heart, and how she just doesn't understand how we, sinful humans, can have a relationship with Jesus Christ.
        For two hours, we sat on my floor and searched the Bible for answers, for verses, for clarity. She was so eager to learn how to find scripture in the Bible, and told me that the Bible that Anderson gave us has become so dear to her. She was anxious to highlight and mark any verses I told her of, but told me she was dumbfounded that it could be so clear in the Bible, but that everyone seemed to have a different perspective back at her Puerto Rican Catholic church.
      I couldn't help but be amazed that how just the hour before, I was begging the Lord to give me direction, to let my story bring others to Him, that something good would come out of this painful mess.  The Lord is already answering my prayers...as I prayed over a dear girl with an aching heart at 2 a.m. I couldn't help but become overwhelmed that me being able to witness to this international student here on campus (whom I've never even had a friendship with) was just a minuscule taste of what God is preparing me to do. It was as if God heard my cries, and decided that He would let me glimpse into the future for just a brief moment. He allowed me to see for a moment that He can turn sorrow into joy...and use it to advance His kingdom.

Let this life be for You, O Lord!

I recommitted my life to Christ tonight...standing on the hard floor of my dorm room here in Kingsley, I released my own spirit- I am the Lord's. I am His work. I am His testimony. I am living for Him. I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior two days before my eighth birthday and was baptized at 16 years old. I didn't know pain then. I didn't know what it meant to fully let go of everything I held dear and give it to the Lord. So, tonight, I gave it ALL to Him. This is no longer my life, but this is the Lord's. From October 1st, 2012, and on- this life will be lived for His glory. I will rejoice in trials and triumph. I will seek Him in all that do. I have decided to follow Jesus with my whole heart. Jesus has conquered my pain already, He is the God of my salvation, He is risen, He is holy and I am HIS! I may be tired and weary, but I have come before the Lord just as I am, and I am letting His mercy heal my heart. I have come to accept the fact that if it takes a broken heart full of pain to bring me closer to the Lord and the plans He has for me, then let it be. This isn't Kaitlin's life anymore. This is God's story. Let this mess be turned into something beautiful so that His name will be lifted higher....I am letting go of my life, I am trusting in His promises... And the spirit of God has filled me with joy! 

The Pain Runs Deep

The pain runs deep right now. I wish this were a dream. Someone, come pinch me- tell me it was all a nightmare. He is so hardened to the pain he has inflicted upon me. He claims Christ is working in his life...where are the fruits then? Someday, he'll see. Someday he will wake up and realize the disaster he has caused. But it's okay, because by then, my disaster will be a beautiful story.

If Jesus Came to My Dorm

"If Jesus came to your house to spend a day or two - 
If He came unexpectedly, I wonder what you'd do.
Oh, I know you'd give your nicest room to such an honored Guest,
And all the food you'd serve to Him would be the very best,
And you would keep assuring Him you're glad to have him there - 
That serving Him in your own home is joy beyond compare..."
An elderly lady recently gave me a track, with this poem written on it (it's actually about ten times longer so I provided a link in case anybody just feels the urge to read the whole thing).
         I've read this poem before, but when I read it last night- it impacted me differently... If Jesus knocked on my dorm's door- I'd spray some Febreeze for starters, and maybe stuff my dirty socks under my bed, and actually making my bed would probably be a good idea. But in all honesty, let's say there's a knock on my door and I find Jesus standing there, arms outstretched, waiting to embrace His child.
                  I'd run into His arms, I'd weep, I'd cry. I would bury my face in his shoulders (how tall is Jesus anyways?) and sob. I'd ask Him why He couldn't have come sooner and if He could stay here in my dorm forever. I'd beg Him to stay the night and watch over me while I slept. I'd plead Him to walk me to classes and eat lunch with me, so I'd never have to be alone. I would try to convince Him to do my research paper for me and then I'd ask if He could go visit the boy who broke my heart. "Visit him, Lord. Open his eyes to the pain he has caused. Let his heart be tender to Your heart's desire and let him be tender to the girl he claimed to love, but who is still his sister in Your name."
           Lord, do you wanna come hang out in my dorm? Maybe stay for awhile? Hold me while I cry, speak promises to me when I am down, and remind me of the future you have for me? I'm waiting, Lord. I am waiting for the knock...anytime now.

http://www.hlcjc.org/Poem-LBE.html