In the Mirror

What is happening? What is God doing? Seriously? Everyone tells me, "You're so strong. God has a plan. There is a reason!" I don't see it. When I turned nineteen this month, I expected to see a young woman in the mirror. Now, when I look in the mirror, I see a young girl staring back at me. Her eyes tainted with a sorrow that penetrates to the bones. Her wrists thin with Philippians 4:13 written in black sharpie. Every movement is a struggle, every bite of food is a battle within. When she walks around, do people see the broken heart that aches with every breath? The heart that is pounding in the morning after a restless night of dreams of her first love? Apparently not. Apparently people see a young woman who has the trust we're called to have in the Lord when all trust has been broken on earth. Apparently they see a silent strength that speaks volumes. Apparently people see faith that will move the mountains I am struggling to climb. Apparently I have a joy within that is so evident that it is inspiring others around me. Apparently I am a testimony of Christ. According to the girls living with me on my hall, they see more than what I am seeing when I glance in the mirror.

Arctic Ocean, please!

If this is what they call a refining fire, I'd like to plunge into the Arctic Ocean! Swim this pain away in the coldness of the water, let my pain be enveloped into the icebergs.

Pure Joy?

    God was at work in me last night, and so was Satan. I had been telling my suitemate, almost in a mocking way, "I guess I'm supposed to considered all of this pure joy, huh? Yep, God- what a joyful experience this is!!" We went to my college's BCM and we began a new series...on the book of James. The first verse the pastor talked on was James 1:2-4... "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing." We both just looked at each and laughed...she reminded me, "This isn't ironic, don't forget that."
It felt wonderful to let go of my pain during worship and give it to the Lord.
      But, as it seems to be a pattern, as I got back to the solitude of my dorm room...the lies began. I couldn't shake them off. I rebuked Satan with scripture, but it was too much to handle alone. I asked my friend who lives down the hall from me if she would come over. Sure enough, God provided again. Bundled up in pajamas and blankets, Jordan and Rachel knocked on my door at midnight. The three of us sat in my room, they let me pour my heart out, and spoke the same things I have felt God telling me. Rachel reminded me to "stomp on Satan!".
     So we sat in my room until 2 in the morning, and I was reminded all over again what a blessing it is that God has given us the body of Christ...those who will surround me at any time of the night with prayer and scripture...it's whats helping me through this time in my life. I can't do this alone. By 2am, we decided it was time for an adventure. It was time to get out of the dorm, get away from the sadness. So, Rachel, Jordan, Jessie, and I got up, in our pajamas and messy hair and ran full blast across the soccer field...oh, how good it felt to laugh! It was just so funny..imagine four college girls in their mismatched pajamas running and screaming across the soccer field at 2am..and we didn't even know why. We ended up going to Waffle House where we were just delirious and giddy over nothing. But, I knew God was showing me through our little 3am adventure that things are going to be okay...I am going to laugh again...I will feel the joy again...I will be okay.

What do you see, God?!

What do you see, God? What do You see in me? What is it about me that Satan feels the need to attack? What am I doing that is making me a target for the enemy?! I am tired of this! I am weary. I am so, so, so, weary...Enough of this, Lord!!! Make it stop!!! Take this pain! I am only a 19 year old girl...I do not feel equipped for this battle! Lord, make it stop! Do You really think I can do this!?

Drowning in Lies

I've never struggled with suicidal thoughts before, but this week Satan has begun to speak lies into my head. I'll be sitting in class, laying in bed, walking to dinner etc. and the sting of pain hits me so hard I feel like I can't breathe. Then that nasty little voice begins speaking..."It's not worth it anymore. Who you loved the most has turned his back on you...you are rejected. You are abandoned. The plans God for you? You are willing to go through this kind of pain? End it, Kaitlin. End this painful life, the plans are not worth it."
I hate, I repeat, I HATE when Satan lets his slithering, lying tongue even get near to my ears. I rebuke him in Christ's name! But it's a battle! I will not listen to the evil one. God told me last year at my high school revivals, in a moment of pure worship, "Kaitlin, you will do great things." God consistently reminds me of this promise...He reminds me through a professor who write that on my essay, through friends who have barely known me, He reminds me by letting my heart hear His voice...and what He has promised me. I don't know exactly what great things He has in store for my life, but I know that it won't even be able to compare to the pain of this trial.
This spiritual battle is so, so real. I see Satan at work in all of this...but I also see God moving and providing...I hear His quiet voice filled with strength, "Cast your fears upon me" "Do not fear" "Have faith" "I have great things in store for you, my dear daughter". Every single day is a struggle. The moment I wake up, I feel the spiritual warfare. I feel the heaviness...I feel the temptations...I hear the lies...I am experiencing the brokenness of this world... I will not let Satan have victory. I may be over my head, I may be drowning in a swirling sea of pain, hurt, rejection, and lies, but God is saving me. I will get through this.
YOU ARE STRONGER, YOU ARE STRONGER, SIN IS BROKEN, YOU HAVE SAVED ME. IT IS WRITTEN, CHRIST IS RISEN. JESUS YOU ARE LORD OF ALL

Discouraged

How am I supposed to do this!? I don't feel strong. I feel weak. God must think I'm strong enough to go through this trial, but I'm not sure I can do this. It's too much. It hurts too bad. I want out of this. Can I just call "QUIT!!" ??

Consistent Provision

As I laid in bed this morning, overcome with complete emotion, I texted a friend who lives a few doors down from me, simply asking for prayer... I finally drug myself out of bed and ended up waking up for a class that had been cancelled. I used my extra hour to sit on the rocking chairs on the porch outside of my dorm. It was a beautiful morning, the birds were chirping, and the leaves still green. Why did I not feel so beautiful inside? I felt like a mess.
 I was searching the Bible for something, any verse of inspiration or hope...when Rachel comes bounding out the door, hair still wet from the shower. "Kate! Kate! I have a song for you! The Lord brought it to my mind and told me you needed to hear this!!" I smiled, wondering what in the world.
"I'm gonna take back what he stole from me, what he stole from me, what he stole me, I'm gonna take back what Satan stole from and stomp him under my feet!" (cannot remember exactly the words, but you get the point).
The smile on her face was so precious, and it warmed my heart to know that the Lord really did bring this her mind...she claimed she hadn't thought of the song since she learned it in preschool, and when she got my text, the lyrics were brought to her mind and she knew its what I needed to hear.
And it's so true. I WILL take back what Satan is trying to steal from me! Satan is attempting to steal my joy, my happiness, my health, my emotions, my passions, my hope, my courage, and my strength. But he will NOT have victory. Remember why? Because, behold! Jesus has overcome the world!
She sat with me on the porch encouraging me...she didn't realize it, but everything she was saying were thoughts I were struggling with. The Lord used a girl today whom I hadn't even met a month ago. He provides.
Later, I received a call from a ministry I signed up with. This woman calls me on a weekly basis, to check up on me, to encourage, and pray with me. The prayer she prayed with me consisted of the same scriptures and words that Rachel had just spoke to me. Maybe God IS trying to reveal Himself to me, through the use of His children.

Overcome

I fall asleep every night speaking scripture to myself... "Trust in the Lord.." "The Lord is my strength.." "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me..." But sometimes I get angry. I get angry that I will wake up, dreaming about him, and realize that he is just a part of my dreams now, and he is my nightmare in reality. This morning I awoke, feeling overcome with emotion. I was shaking, I was throwing up, the reality that he is not in my life anymore sickens me. In those moments it feels hopeless.  I feel overcome- as if Satan is getting the victory over me. But, no! Behold! JESUS has overcome! My emotions will not be overcome by the attacks and the darts that Satan throws at me because my Lord and Savior is risen...and He has already prepared a place for me. He promises me in His word that He will never leave me nor forsake me. So as I walk to classes today, I will repeat in my head over and over, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." <--- WHAT A PROMISE!

Provision

The Lord really does provide. He provides in simple ways, such as a day of sunshine that allows my weary body to feel the rays on my skin again. He provides baby kittens to play with in a moment of hopelessness. He provides countless friends, strangers, adults, faculty, and staff to lay hands on me and pray with me. He provides the random text message at just the right time to encourage me that others do care. He provides the friend who will sit with me in my dorm till after midnight just so I don't have to be alone. He provides the phonecalls with a caring mother. He provides encouraging notes from others. He provides a counselor who listens. He provides two nurses who are ready to help heal more than just a stubbed toe, but who will pray, counsel, and encourage a broken heart. He provides friends to laugh with. He provides others to simply study with so I can be with others. He provides a brother who will drive me around town and listen to me cry. He provides a roommate who will rub and scratch my back while I throw up all my nerves in the middle of the night. He provides hallmates who drag me to zumba classes. He provides an R.A. who is there. He provides an upperclassmen girl who is sits with me and lets me cry some more. He provides an alpha leader who lets me call her at any time of the night. He provides a professor that gives me a huge hug and tells me it's going to be okay. He provides more professors who are willing to work with me during this time in my life. He provides people I never knew would care. THE LORD PROVIDES.

Promises to Remember

The Lord will provide. The Lord will never leave me nor forsake me. The Lord has me in His arms. The Lord will guide me through my trials. The Lord is my strength, my song, and my joy. 

Through the FIre

My first post. As I write, my hands ache. My fingers ache. My heart aches. My whole body aches. This pain is so deep...I didn't even know pain like this existed in this world.
I want to be out of this body. I want to feel normal again. I want to feel like singing, running, and jumping in joy. But I am shattered....I am so broken, and so weak.
What is God doing? Does He really believe I can handle this? I am at my absolute breaking point...I can't do this anymore. This is too much. Does the Lord see me shaking in anguish? Does He see my heart shattered? Does He watch over my sleepless nights? Does He see my body rejecting all food? The weight I'm losing? I don't want to be in this body any more...I want to be my old self again, it was so much easier...but I suppose that is the purpose of trials. I am going through the refining fire, and I want to escape; but how will I become the woman I was created to be if I run away from the trials? I will become stronger through this. The Lord is my guide. I will set these sails free, and the Lord will be my Navigator.