Well, you know it's been a rough semester when your bed sheets, pillow, and teddy bear are stained with smears of mascara, hah! But, glory to God- I have survived! I have survived this semester with a GPA of
3.7!! And I honestly do not know how except that I truly believe the Holy Spirit interceded for me on multiple occasions. I think of the days that I didn't even know a test was going to be given, the day of an exam that I hadn't slept in several nights, the nights of going to class with homework scribbled down, smudged because of the tears I had shed while attempting to do my best. THANK YOU, LORD! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I think this was another one of God's small way of showing me He provides. He provides the clarity of mind during an exam, He provides professors who were understanding. He provides. That has been a reoccurring theme the past few months of my life.
The Lord gives and takes away, but blessed be His name!
In my community group, I had the opportunity to give a brief testimony...I really didn't want to, but I have also learned that God did not bring me through these trials to keep silent about His unending mercy, grace, provision, peace, comfort, love (the list could go on). I know I am to use this story He's been writing to share with others...so as I shared, not having a clue what I was going to say, I remember saying things I hadn't even fully comprehended myself. One of them being, is that I have learned the goodness of the Lord... the sovereign goodness of the Lord. Something I feel that is not preached in some churches is the fact that the Lord
does take away...and sometimes He takes
very good things away from us...Think of Job in the Bible! But, sometimes He takes something very good away because He sees that it can be even better....but we have to go through the refining fire first. During the time that He has taken away, He will
always give us what we need to go on....God
will always provide. His provisions do not necessarily come in the ways that we would like, but they are His perfect provisions, for He sees the entire story.
This semester, provisions came in simple ways...ways that some would not even understand. To be entirely honest, God provided a T.V. show (Honey Boo Boo) to provide me with joy and laughter during the most difficult days. I remember being in my dorm's lobby, with other girls on my hall, famished, starving, and
hurting...but, low and behold- Honey Boo Boo would make her appearance on T.V.! Haha!
A dolla makes me holla, honey boo boo! I would find myself just howling in laughter, in those moments, I would forget the sadness- it was just too funny! And I honestly do thank God for that T.V. show...it gave momentary relief to the grief hovering over me. Another simple way, He provided little animals to bring me joy...a trip to Petsmart oneday let me forget what was happening as I walked around with a friend, petting people's little puppies, laughing at the hamsters, studying the uniqueness of each fish (Okay, I really am obsessed with animals, I admit. I just find them fascinating!) I have learned to thank God for the little blessings in life, for when I put my focus on what He
has given me, it is so much easier to face the trials. It is through this mindset that we can see where God is giving, not just taking! When I lay down to sleep, and if I feel tempted to slip into wallowing in sadness, I begin listing in my head the blessings God has given me. Remember that childhood Sunday school song? "Count your blessings, name them one by one...count your many blessings see what God has done!" It helps, seriously.
And He has also
given me the opportunities to share my story with so many girls who have needed encouragement to take the next step. It amazes me...it's as though God has given me this door that has flown wide open, and by using my pain, my story, my struggle- others are so willing to listen to hear who God really is. My prayer is that this time in my life never becomes about
me, but what God is doing
through and
for me. I desire for others to know the goodness and unending love of the Lord when they hear what I have gone through. I want my story to point others back to the cross. Because it is
then that I can
truly say that
it was worth it. And I am beginning, just beginning, to see the reasons of why I will one day be able to look back on my freshman year, the tears I've cried, the pain I've endured, and be able to proclaim that I now understand that it was for the better...And when I declare that, I hope I can declare it with forgiveness in my spirit. One day, when I see him again, I want to be able to look him in the eyes- and say, "I forgive you. And thank you, thank you for being that person who walked out on me, so that God could take over. It was worth it."
I don't know when I will be able to say that. That's going to take
a lot, I mean, I am talking
A LOT of interceding on the Holy Spirit's part. Because I am still learning...I am still learning what forgiveness truly is. I am still learning why this has happened. I am still learning to give everything to God.
(No, the last picture is not an old pic from the middle school peace-sign days. I have decided to live in the blessing of the Lord's peace.)
I wrote in my journal as we flew, "God is so good! I am 21,000 feet in the air, heading back to the country and it's people that stole my heart last year. The Lord has opened the door for me to return to Belize and I couldn't be happier! I am so ridiculously blessed. I know that God will use this heartache and grief of this semester so that I can tell others of His faithfulness, consistent provision and promises, and unending love for His beloved children. I really am just a broken vessel letting God be the navigator of these sails...and the waters have been rough. Sometimes it seems that the storm will never run out of wind and rain...can these waves get any bigger?! But, the Lord reaches out His hand. "Peace! Be still." He whispers in my ear, "You need only to be still, for the Lord your God will fight for you.". Yet, I still feel like the disciples, terrified and wondering what will happen to me! "Kaitlin, trust in Me with all your heart! Do not lean on your own understanding! In all your ways, acknowledge me and I will make your paths straight."
