A Wrecked Life

       How do I even begin? Jesus is wrecking my life into pieces...and He is going to bring it back together into something far more beautiful than I could ever imagine! What the Lord has allowed to happen in my life is not ideal, it wasn't asked for, it wasn't even dreamed of... Prior to all of this, life was great. There wasn't much to complain about, I had it good. And God saw that it was good...but saw that it could be even better. God has seen potential in this freshman college girl. So, as this girl wrapped her arms around the boy she's fallen in love with, was spun around and kissed one last time before bidding farewell forever; God reminded her "It's not the end, dear girl. This is only the beginning of the life I have in store for you."
          But, the unanswered questions I am left with are daunting. The broken heart that was thrown at me still aches. The emptiness inside of me longs for the boy I fell in love with...the same one who has hurt me deeper than any human ever could. The grief I am experiencing is real, too real. I am dealing with the death of the person I grew to love so much, and grappling with the idea that he is no longer the that same person. He has a long road ahead of him, and it's not a road I am meant to travel alongside.
               The spiritual warfare continues. I wake up multiple times during the night, drenched in cold sweat, gasping for air, and I hear the voices. "This will never end. You will always hurt. The wound will never heal. Look at what he has done to you, look at what God has done to you! End your life, that's the only way to escape!" I bury myself deep into my covers, panting, my heart feels frozen, I search for my teddy bear...can I be ten years old again? In those moments, it feels to heavy...I see no light. But, then I see those faces...those sweet, little innocent faces...bald heads, tattered clothing, they're singing..they're giggling, they're holding my hand, they call me mommy. I don't know where on earth these precious children are, but somewhere in this world the Lord is preparing a place for me to live someday, and I will care for these little lives, I will love them because Christ has shown me what unconditional love is.
             So I turn my lamp on, hoping not wake the roommate up. I reach for my Bible, although everything around me screams, "No! It's just a book!" I open to Proverbs. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on YOUR own understanding, but in ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and He WILL direct your path. 

          I glance on my shelf, a picture of a little Panamanian girl kissing my cheek greets me. The frames of a young high school couple happily in love have been taken down, and replacing them is a long piece of fabric, with an African family painted onto it, carrying water jugs atop their head. I slowly drift back off to sleep...
I'll wake again. The voices continue. My stomach churns. "How much longer can I do this?" I take a deep breathe, one hour at a time...And I somehow manage to fall asleep, reciting scripture.
The morning light greets me. This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it! 
Yes, let me glad in today, in tomorrow, and in the tears and laughter that the days may hold because Jesus is wrecking my life...into something far more beautiful that I could ever imagine!