I say it with a smile on my face, as if it's a secret written on my heart, like one that a mother discovers when she realizes she's late, and that little blue line whispers that change and growth is on the way, in the best way possible.
I'm expecting.
I am expecting and anticipating a daughter through a beautiful, complicated little thing called
adoption.
Due date? TBA.
Father? Unknown.
Birth mom? Unknown.
...The Lord has called me to adopt.
A little girl will be mine, and in my arms she'll know love, motherly love, and eventually she'll know fatherly love- from a King above!
I know very little about the process, but I do know the hardships of this journey, I know the financial and emotional need it requires. But, I know there's a little girl out there. Perhaps she's merely half a gamete at the moment. Maybe the one who is carrying this gamete is just a child herself, fetching water at the well, bare skin glistening in sweat, and a toothless smile.
A little ridiculous, some quietly think. I'm a twenty year old college sophomore, currently failing Spanish, rushing to field placements, and surviving on ramen and coffee. Signs of marriage are most definitely not on the current horizon, and student loans silently stack up. But, I have a heart to offer this child. A heart that will love without condition. A heart that prays for her everyday...gamete or not :)
Adoption has always been on my heart, and this summer confirmed it. Traveling around the poorest state in India, the birthplace of Hinduism, and watching the countless children starving from malnutrition, sunken in pain from a life of selling their little bodies on manured streets, shimmying up Mango trees in loin clothes- my heart cried out! The Lord has given a tender desire, a desire that will cause me many tears and long nights, a desire that is worth it.
Prayers went up all summer over this desire.
Really, Lord? You're telling me to do what?Yes, it only made sense. It only made sense that as I watched the city lights of Delhi grow dimmer and dimmer as we flew into the horizon that I knew I would see similar lights below me again, with a little one below waiting for her new mommy.
It only made sense that as we went to new "house" (hut) churches, and we would pass the naked children on the street that inevitably my eyes filled with that familiar, salty water again, that all I could think of was the day that I'd be free to come rescue and deliver these children from the slavery.
But, it isn't just one little girl that I know I'll be mothering.
Many, many little ones will fill my arms and heart in this life. Yet,
this one. This one; this one is the catalyst. It is not exclusive, this desire of mine. Although, this particular little girl has been laid on my heart...I walked the beach up and down for miles when I arrived home from India.
My daughter, my daughter! Where are you? Who are you?
"Yes, my daughter! Pray for her. Pray for this one. Pray for her mother walking this earth right now. Pray without ceasing- I am doing immeasurably more. Close your eyes, do you feel your heartbeat? I gave you that beat. The cry of your heart is of me, pursue it, fight for it...she is worth it. They all are." - He answered.
The passion hasn't dimmed. It only grows. I refer to her as my daughter, gamete or not, she is more than an idea put into my head- she will be a little life that will serve as a testament to God's faithfulness. I wondered for weeks, for months really, what I would call her. I am expecting and anticipating motherhood and hunger to pray for her by name. Years later, this name will have a face. But for now?
Her name is Miriam.
Yahweh's beloved.
