Oh crap, she's up!

Y'all. I think Satan hates my guts. No, I KNOW he hates my guts. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I am running in the path of God's commands- because He has set my heart free!!
I can't even begin to write down all the instances the past weeks that I have felt his attacks...But, after one specific incident a few weeks ago, I said no more. The moment I realized what was happening, I pulled into a parking lot, and screamed. I didn't care if anyone saw or heard. I screamed in utter frustration, exhaustion, confusion, pain, but most of all- I screamed my prayer that the Lord would wrap His angels around me that He would shield me from even feeling the enemy's attacks. I beat my hands on my steering wheel, In Jesus Christ's name, I command you to leave me Satan! Try everything you can, but you cannot take my faith! Your attacks only make me stronger, leaving YOU weaker. The Lord my God is my shield, I will not fear you, I will rest in the shadow of the Almighty! I dwell in the shelter of the Most High, and nothing can pluck me from His hands. I command you to flee- now!
Ever since I prayed that prayer, hot, angry tears streaming down my face- I feel the Lord's strength. And I know that even what the enemy means for evil, God is turning it for my good...for His glory. His plans are still to prosper, He has not forgotten me. He is with me through the fire and the flood. He is faithful forever, perfect in love, He is sovereign over me.
And you know what else? Either Satan really has backed off, or the Lord is guarding me. I have never been one to ask God for his protection of angels, I don't know- maybe it's always seemed so "Hallmark" to me. But, I do not doubt the times I know He has placed His angels around me. I remember this one day, feeling at absolute ground-zero, and a woman from my church gathered me in her arms and began praying for me in her car. The more she prayed, the more I felt the presence of many...I can't explain it, and perhaps it was my imagination running wild, but the more she prayed, I felt so much peace...and an image appeared in my head, almost as if I was seeing it with my eyes. I saw the two of us, heads bowed, praying fervently to the Lord, and I saw a "heavenly host" of angels surrounding the car...they made a circle around the van, their heads bowed as well. I never opened my eyes during that prayer, but the feeling of other presences surrounding us was so strong. Looking back, I don't doubt the fact that the Lord has surrounded me with His guardian angels...to quiet me in my sleep, to walk alongside me to class, to protect me from any other outside harm.
All that being said, when my feet hit the floor in the morning...I like to picture Satan and his little demons screaming in disgust. "Nooooo! She's up, AGAIN!" I smile to myself as I get dressed for the day, Yes, I am up, AGAIN. Satan has not won, I am still living for God. Let the adventure begin... 

God, I NEED you

The title says it all. I need God. I don't just love God, I don't just worship God, I don't just pray to God...I need God. This semester has shown me my utter dependence on Him...The Lord is my strength, cliche- but I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for my relationship with Christ.

Last night I took a trip down memory lane...A drawer held my past three years- photos of prom, date nights and kisses scattered around the many journals and handwritten letters containing heartfelt promises and wild emotions. Pressed flowers and notes passed in secrecy are found at the bottom, and tears make their way to my eyes. It really was a good relationship...it really was. We were each other's first love and the holder to one another's secrets, thoughts, and dreams. We grew up together, we cried together, we ended what we truly believed could be forever. And not once was it in my will. Not once was this what I felt God telling me. Not once do I feel that this was in the Lord's plans. But, He is working good through it.
This week, I learned that his eyes now follow another girl...my heart sunk, am I not good enough? No! No! I am good enough, I am worth it! He is the one who is not worth it now. In Christ, I am complete. In Christ, I am priceless! In Christ I find my identity.
I gathered a bundle of old letters and pictures and set them ablaze in my yard's fire pit. I stood there on the brick, hopping from one foot to the next, trying to keep warm, angry tears spilling down my cheeks.    Smoke engulfed my nostrils, stinging my eyes, I almost wished he was here to witness that I no longer hold onto him. A little Taylor Swift therapy, burning the past...setting my dreams ablaze, watching them burn to ashes...now, letting God take these ashes and allowing Him to create something so beautiful out of it. But, for now, the ashes lay in the pit...as if to remind me that what used to be, is now obliterated.
Everything in me screams to drive over to his home, to demand answers, to let him see what he longer holds. Yet, I have more dignity than that. I am better than that. I will not pursue the one who trampled my heart, no, I am waiting for the Lord to bring the right man into my life who will guard my heart, who will see me as a daughter of the King, a woman who longs to share the adventure of life with my husband someday. I pray for a man who will accompany me to foreign countries, love on the least of these, and protect and cherish the woman that God is creating me to be. I wonder where he is...

Rich in Blessings- What a Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I thank God for His consistent provision and promises in my life. The Lord gives and takes away, but blessed be His name! I am beginning to learn what Paul meant in Philippians 4 when he writes to the church in Philippi about learning to be content in all things. Here was this man, chained, locked up, and heavens to betsy- he had never even married (okay, that's just a personal side note, but still) and he was being imprisoned for following Christ's commands of spreading His word to the ends of the earth. Paul was stoned, starved, beaten, shipwrecked, etc. and he was still able to honestly proclaim that he was content in his circumstances. Surely, I can learn to be thankful in my trials.
I awoke and after thinking for a while, I felt so blessed this morning. Yet, I had to actively make that choice. I initially awoke from another disagreeable dream (this dream occurs nearly every night over and over, I see him, I walk up and give a loving hug and he shoves me away, turns his back- and begins to walk down a long road, hands in his pocket, shoulders slouched. I'll follow, and he continues pushing me away- without ever looking at my face) But this morning, I chose to be joyful...it is a day to celebrate all the blessings in my life! And holy cow, I really do have a lot.
Here are just a couple of recent blessings:
        -I am now Aunt Kate!!! I think my heart may burst in happiness and joy!..My first niece, Felicity Joy, was born this month and how perfect her name fits her (Felicity means happiness in latin). She is such a blessing from God...I have spent every day this thanksgiving break holding her, cuddling her, changing diapers and just studying this precious little face that makes me forget any sorrow. Aunthood is incredible already.
          -Another blessing from God... last year I went on a mission trip to Belize. I completely fell in love with the country, the culture, and its' people...ever since, I have prayed for a way to go back. Well, in exactly three weeks I will be boarding a plane to go back to this country that stole my heart! God is so good...
         -My family who is so supportive of me, loving me every day as I go through this. My friends, who have cried with me, laughed with me, prayed with me, encouraged me, distracted me etc. And an uplifting university...the campus is filled with the Holy Spirit and as I walk to class each day, I can see Christ's love just shining through so many of faces that either attend or work here.
                                                I am rich in the blessings of the Lord! 
                                                 

War Cries

"I won't give up on us, I will always fight for you, I will never stop loving you."
Was it really just seven weeks ago these sweet words were whispered in my ear, bundled up on his campus' field, the coming of autumn was felt through the chilled wind. My heart was smiling, warm and in love, I kissed his cheek,"I am so blessed! We are so blessed. Look how far God has brought us."
           Seven weeks later, I stare out my window. Burnt red and glowing orange leaves blow past my window, and my heart sinks. He stopped fighting for me. He stopped pursuing me. Without any warning, he quit his game of love. 
           I remember a summer day, swimming in the lake together, and as we rested on our floats, he asked me, "What is your biggest wound in life?" We had just finished reading both Captivating and Wild at Heart. I had to think for a moment...I didn't have a 'biggest wound'. We continued on with our day, never having a clue that the deepest wound he would someday cause. This wound goes deeper than just a break up, this wound penetrates my very soul, and it can only healed by the Lord... Sometimes it hurts too bad, it hurts to realize that he stopped fighting for me. I can't explain it, but it absolutely just pierces somewhere in my heart that goes so deep, I didn't know existed in me. It's as if I'm not worth it. And that's when Satan just has a hoedown. He just loves to whisper in my ear that I'm not worth it, that I am not beautiful enough to be loved, that I can't possibly find true love now that this boy has thrown my heart away.
          For five hours I laid on my bed the other night and sobbed. I felt as though there were bricks on my chest, I couldn't breathe...I tried to take a breath, and it was if I was being strangled. I couldn't even move my body. In moments like those, there seems to be only way to escape the pain. But it's a lie. It's a lie from the enemy himself, and I have to remind myself- If Satan sees my life as something to attack, then he must know of some HUGE plans God has in store for...plans that make Satan and his followers shake in fear! The Lord reminded me, as I laid there thinking thoughts from the devil himself, "You have a calling in life, a calling that I have given to you, my dear daughter. Do not give up now, this is only the beginning." I flung tissues off my bed.
          "God- I am tired of your calling! Give it to someone else! I don't want it if this is what it causes."
          "My child, you do not see what this calling will cause...it will transform lives, it will bring healing to the broken, it will wipe away the tears of many, it will begin a revolution in hearts and lives- you need to only let Me work through You. It is worth it. I am and will use you, I am not done with you!"
        "But it hurts."
        "I will use the pain to advance my kingdom."
        "What if don't want to be used."
         An image of those children (I still don't know who or where they are) flashes before me...their eyes hunger for love, their little hands ache for a mommy's touch, their hearts cry out for something more.
        "Did you that, my child? Did you see those children? They need you, because they need Me."
         I know that I am not just fighting a battle of a broken heart and missing my first love, but I am fighting a battle that Satan is loving...a battle to distract me from how God wants to use me, a battle to discourage me, a battle to bring me down and keep me focused on anything but the Lord and how He can work in me during this trial. I thank God I am able to recognize who it is that is attacking and that I know how to rebuke him! (Ephesians 6:11)

I Rest Assured

I run my fingers through my curls, scratching my scalp, something feels different. I look in my hairbrush, so that's where all of you go now! I glance in the mirror, clothes once tight, hang loose on my hips and shoulders. It's okay- I'll just throw a sweatshirt on. I grab some ibuprofen...more headaches, more backaches. Where is the medicine for the heartache? Maybe some extra blush will add some color to my face. If only I could paint on a permanent smile. Another run to the bathroom, another knock on a friend's door. I can't do this alone. Another hug, another verse whispered, "You can do this, Kate! You are so strong!"
The physical effects of heart ache. 

I sit in the library, "You are rejected. You were abandoned. You were fooled. You were just a piece in a game. You will never find another like him (Maybe that's a good thing...). You think this is worth it? Worth, what? Nobody even cares about you. You are invisible. You will never be loved again.You think it's getting better? You can't fight this battle. Wouldn't it be easier...wouldn't it be easier if just weren't here anymore? Leave, leave this life. Is this the life you prayed for?
The emotional effects of spiritual warfare. 

I quickly pack up my bookbag and race out of the library. Away from the lies. Away from the darkness hovering over me. Autumn leaves swirl around my boots, tears sting my eyes, I just want to rest. Give me joy, Lord. Give me joy through the sorrow. A squirrel scurries across the pavement, the sun warms my body, an upperclassmen girl walks up. "Can I pray for you, right now?" Yes, yes- please. We bow our heads, students pass us, hurrying to class. Taking a moment, we give it to the Lord. "You will get through this, the Lord has you here for a reason...the plans are so much greater than just this temporary pain."
The effects of the body of Christ coming together when one is mourning. 

 Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness! I rest assured that You are restoring me, You are refining me, You are healing me, You are preparing me, You are strengthening me, You are using me, You are growing me, You are healing me, You are creating a masterpiece...a beautiful design, a beautiful life, and a beautiful story for me to tell someday. 

Shooting Stars&Dreams

The Lord is faithful in His word. "Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest." 
This past weekend I went with BCM (the Baptist College Ministry I'm involved in on my campus) to a retreat in the mountains. The cabins were rustic, but the memories made there are fond ones. I went to summer camp there as a little girl...when I walk those trails, I am brought back to the days of french braids, sunburnt noses, mosquito bites, and laughter with friends. I even went on my senior retreat, last year, to this camp. I remember walking around with old friends that I've grown up with for the past 12 years, knowing everything in our lives was about to change. I am not sure I like change anymore. Change hurts. It was interesting to walk these same paths, looking back on my life...seeing where God has taken me, and where He is taking me...Last year, I thought I'd be in Belize with YWAM by this time, but God has taken me other places, with new people and friendships.
We all hiked up to the top of a mountain on Saturday night to watch the meteor shower...it was so beautiful. Our God is such an amazing creator! I was mesmerized by the fact that I could even see the faint glow of the Milky Way, and as stars shot through the sky, I tried to think of a wish to make...none came to me. I don't even know what my wishes and dreams are anymore. I used to know. Not anymore. All I know is that God has placed a burning passion within my heart to go to the ends of the earth and to display His love to humanity...to wrap my arms around the little girl who stands on the street corner at night, to kiss the cheeks of an abandoned baby, to hold the hands of children who hunger for attention, to pray with the young mother who can't afford a mouth to feed, to be a light to those walking in darkness. That's all I know now...and the fact that God has me at this college for a reason, for some reason. Anyways, by nightfall, I was really anxious as I laid down in my bunk. What if more nightmares came? What if I cried out during the night, and woke the other girls up? I asked the Lord to fill my sleep with peace, and I didn't know this, but my friend, Rachel, prayed Psalm 4:8 over me as she fell asleep, too. "I will lie down and sleep, for you, alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8. She even asked the Lord to wake her up if I needed her during the night. 
When I awoke that morning, all the girls told me that I woke them up last night, sleep talking and laughing in my sleep! Haha! I don't know what I was laughing about, but apparently it carried on for quite some time because they couldn't fall back asleep..But, God answered our prayers, and even through some humor in there! He even woke Rachel up, so that she could see this girl laughing joyfully in her sleeping bag...one step closer to healing, one more answered prayer. 

I AM SO EXHAUSTED

The other night was 80's skate night at my college...I was all excited, until I felt that all my friends had "forgotten" about me. I guess it was just the little straw that broke the camel's back..I hadn't cried in a few days, thinking that maybe I was getting stronger. But, I lost it. I realized how utterly lonely I am. I am sad. I am grieving. I am so very EXHAUSTED. I want a quit button! This is not easy!
Can I just say it? I MISS MY BEST FRIEND.  Life with him made perfect sense. I miss him, God, I MISS HIM! 
I am tired of these nightmares. Crying out in the middle of the night, tossing and turning, by the time the morning light pours through my blinds, I am exhausted already. Every night is a battle. Every day is a struggle. Dreams of snakes slithering around my ankles, drowning in dark waters, and seeing backs turning on me- I can't take it anymore. Lord, take it. Fill my nights with peace, I beg You! 
Anyways, I am just so tired. How much longer can I run this race?
But, just when I feel like I just can't go on...God provides. This time, he provided a loving letter from a girl living on my hall. I don't know her well, we don't talk, and she doesn't know what I'm going through. So, as I lay down to go to sleep, after sobbing to my mom on the phone, my roommate walks in and said there was a letter underneath the door. "Dear Kate, I can't explain why, but ever since we arrived here at college, I can't you off my mind...I really feel that God has placed you on my heart to be praying for you..." This brought me to tears. God does remember me...and He reminded me by using a girl on my hall. Thank you, Jesus! It was as if He gave me a little cup of water just when I beginning to dehydrate...it's not much, but it will keep me running the next few yards. I have to continually remind myself- God knows what He's doing. He sees it all. It's so hard to remember, but I keep pressing on...keeping the faith that I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint...because my hope is in the Lord!
P.S.- God did send a friend to knock on my door as I cried to my mom that no one remembered me. She also needed someone to go with her to the party. Another provision from the Lord.