Was it really just seven weeks ago these sweet words were whispered in my ear, bundled up on his campus' field, the coming of autumn was felt through the chilled wind. My heart was smiling, warm and in love, I kissed his cheek,"I am so blessed! We are so blessed. Look how far God has brought us."
Seven weeks later, I stare out my window. Burnt red and glowing orange leaves blow past my window, and my heart sinks. He stopped fighting for me. He stopped pursuing me. Without any warning, he quit his game of love.
I remember a summer day, swimming in the lake together, and as we rested on our floats, he asked me, "What is your biggest wound in life?" We had just finished reading both Captivating and Wild at Heart. I had to think for a moment...I didn't have a 'biggest wound'. We continued on with our day, never having a clue that the deepest wound he would someday cause. This wound goes deeper than just a break up, this wound penetrates my very soul, and it can only healed by the Lord... Sometimes it hurts too bad, it hurts to realize that he stopped fighting for me. I can't explain it, but it absolutely just pierces somewhere in my heart that goes so deep, I didn't know existed in me. It's as if I'm not worth it. And that's when Satan just has a hoedown. He just loves to whisper in my ear that I'm not worth it, that I am not beautiful enough to be loved, that I can't possibly find true love now that this boy has thrown my heart away.
For five hours I laid on my bed the other night and sobbed. I felt as though there were bricks on my chest, I couldn't breathe...I tried to take a breath, and it was if I was being strangled. I couldn't even move my body. In moments like those, there seems to be only way to escape the pain. But it's a lie. It's a lie from the enemy himself, and I have to remind myself- If Satan sees my life as something to attack, then he must know of some HUGE plans God has in store for...plans that make Satan and his followers shake in fear! The Lord reminded me, as I laid there thinking thoughts from the devil himself, "You have a calling in life, a calling that I have given to you, my dear daughter. Do not give up now, this is only the beginning." I flung tissues off my bed. "God- I am tired of your calling! Give it to someone else! I don't want it if this is what it causes."
"My child, you do not see what this calling will cause...it will transform lives, it will bring healing to the broken, it will wipe away the tears of many, it will begin a revolution in hearts and lives- you need to only let Me work through You. It is worth it. I am and will use you, I am not done with you!"
"But it hurts."
"I will use the pain to advance my kingdom."
"What if don't want to be used."
An image of those children (I still don't know who or where they are) flashes before me...their eyes hunger for love, their little hands ache for a mommy's touch, their hearts cry out for something more.
"Did you that, my child? Did you see those children? They need you, because they need Me."
I know that I am not just fighting a battle of a broken heart and missing my first love, but I am fighting a battle that Satan is loving...a battle to distract me from how God wants to use me, a battle to discourage me, a battle to bring me down and keep me focused on anything but the Lord and how He can work in me during this trial. I thank God I am able to recognize who it is that is attacking and that I know how to rebuke him! (Ephesians 6:11)
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