I Rest Assured

I run my fingers through my curls, scratching my scalp, something feels different. I look in my hairbrush, so that's where all of you go now! I glance in the mirror, clothes once tight, hang loose on my hips and shoulders. It's okay- I'll just throw a sweatshirt on. I grab some ibuprofen...more headaches, more backaches. Where is the medicine for the heartache? Maybe some extra blush will add some color to my face. If only I could paint on a permanent smile. Another run to the bathroom, another knock on a friend's door. I can't do this alone. Another hug, another verse whispered, "You can do this, Kate! You are so strong!"
The physical effects of heart ache. 

I sit in the library, "You are rejected. You were abandoned. You were fooled. You were just a piece in a game. You will never find another like him (Maybe that's a good thing...). You think this is worth it? Worth, what? Nobody even cares about you. You are invisible. You will never be loved again.You think it's getting better? You can't fight this battle. Wouldn't it be easier...wouldn't it be easier if just weren't here anymore? Leave, leave this life. Is this the life you prayed for?
The emotional effects of spiritual warfare. 

I quickly pack up my bookbag and race out of the library. Away from the lies. Away from the darkness hovering over me. Autumn leaves swirl around my boots, tears sting my eyes, I just want to rest. Give me joy, Lord. Give me joy through the sorrow. A squirrel scurries across the pavement, the sun warms my body, an upperclassmen girl walks up. "Can I pray for you, right now?" Yes, yes- please. We bow our heads, students pass us, hurrying to class. Taking a moment, we give it to the Lord. "You will get through this, the Lord has you here for a reason...the plans are so much greater than just this temporary pain."
The effects of the body of Christ coming together when one is mourning. 

 Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness! I rest assured that You are restoring me, You are refining me, You are healing me, You are preparing me, You are strengthening me, You are using me, You are growing me, You are healing me, You are creating a masterpiece...a beautiful design, a beautiful life, and a beautiful story for me to tell someday. 

Shooting Stars&Dreams

The Lord is faithful in His word. "Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest." 
This past weekend I went with BCM (the Baptist College Ministry I'm involved in on my campus) to a retreat in the mountains. The cabins were rustic, but the memories made there are fond ones. I went to summer camp there as a little girl...when I walk those trails, I am brought back to the days of french braids, sunburnt noses, mosquito bites, and laughter with friends. I even went on my senior retreat, last year, to this camp. I remember walking around with old friends that I've grown up with for the past 12 years, knowing everything in our lives was about to change. I am not sure I like change anymore. Change hurts. It was interesting to walk these same paths, looking back on my life...seeing where God has taken me, and where He is taking me...Last year, I thought I'd be in Belize with YWAM by this time, but God has taken me other places, with new people and friendships.
We all hiked up to the top of a mountain on Saturday night to watch the meteor shower...it was so beautiful. Our God is such an amazing creator! I was mesmerized by the fact that I could even see the faint glow of the Milky Way, and as stars shot through the sky, I tried to think of a wish to make...none came to me. I don't even know what my wishes and dreams are anymore. I used to know. Not anymore. All I know is that God has placed a burning passion within my heart to go to the ends of the earth and to display His love to humanity...to wrap my arms around the little girl who stands on the street corner at night, to kiss the cheeks of an abandoned baby, to hold the hands of children who hunger for attention, to pray with the young mother who can't afford a mouth to feed, to be a light to those walking in darkness. That's all I know now...and the fact that God has me at this college for a reason, for some reason. Anyways, by nightfall, I was really anxious as I laid down in my bunk. What if more nightmares came? What if I cried out during the night, and woke the other girls up? I asked the Lord to fill my sleep with peace, and I didn't know this, but my friend, Rachel, prayed Psalm 4:8 over me as she fell asleep, too. "I will lie down and sleep, for you, alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8. She even asked the Lord to wake her up if I needed her during the night. 
When I awoke that morning, all the girls told me that I woke them up last night, sleep talking and laughing in my sleep! Haha! I don't know what I was laughing about, but apparently it carried on for quite some time because they couldn't fall back asleep..But, God answered our prayers, and even through some humor in there! He even woke Rachel up, so that she could see this girl laughing joyfully in her sleeping bag...one step closer to healing, one more answered prayer. 

I AM SO EXHAUSTED

The other night was 80's skate night at my college...I was all excited, until I felt that all my friends had "forgotten" about me. I guess it was just the little straw that broke the camel's back..I hadn't cried in a few days, thinking that maybe I was getting stronger. But, I lost it. I realized how utterly lonely I am. I am sad. I am grieving. I am so very EXHAUSTED. I want a quit button! This is not easy!
Can I just say it? I MISS MY BEST FRIEND.  Life with him made perfect sense. I miss him, God, I MISS HIM! 
I am tired of these nightmares. Crying out in the middle of the night, tossing and turning, by the time the morning light pours through my blinds, I am exhausted already. Every night is a battle. Every day is a struggle. Dreams of snakes slithering around my ankles, drowning in dark waters, and seeing backs turning on me- I can't take it anymore. Lord, take it. Fill my nights with peace, I beg You! 
Anyways, I am just so tired. How much longer can I run this race?
But, just when I feel like I just can't go on...God provides. This time, he provided a loving letter from a girl living on my hall. I don't know her well, we don't talk, and she doesn't know what I'm going through. So, as I lay down to go to sleep, after sobbing to my mom on the phone, my roommate walks in and said there was a letter underneath the door. "Dear Kate, I can't explain why, but ever since we arrived here at college, I can't you off my mind...I really feel that God has placed you on my heart to be praying for you..." This brought me to tears. God does remember me...and He reminded me by using a girl on my hall. Thank you, Jesus! It was as if He gave me a little cup of water just when I beginning to dehydrate...it's not much, but it will keep me running the next few yards. I have to continually remind myself- God knows what He's doing. He sees it all. It's so hard to remember, but I keep pressing on...keeping the faith that I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint...because my hope is in the Lord!
P.S.- God did send a friend to knock on my door as I cried to my mom that no one remembered me. She also needed someone to go with her to the party. Another provision from the Lord. 

I Just Remembered

I just remembered a dream I had years and years ago...I'm talking, probably about 7-8 years ago. In my dream, from what I remember, a hurricane had just swept through a land, leaving hundreds of children as orphans. My mom and I were there, and found a large tub on top of a trash pile. We filled the tub up, and placed one of the little boys in the tub. We scrubbed and rinsed his filthy body clean... I remember waking up and wanting to help children like that in real life.
I can't believe I just remembered a dream from so long ago...it shows me that God has been subtly revealing things to me slowly over time in the form of dreams at night, and by day- a  passion that never leaves.

Waiting for the Waves

The ocean waves crash outside, seagulls soar overhead, the sand stays entangled in my hair, and my muscles slightly sore from biking around the island. How refreshing it is to be experiencing, in my opinion, one of God's most beautiful creations- the Atlantic ocean. But, as I stand in the waves, small ripples splash my knees, the water swirls around me, shells under my feet poke my skin, and suddenly out of no where a huge wave comes crashing down. It knocks me backwards, I don't know which way is up- where am I?! The sand swirls in my face, my throat burns from the salt. I finally poke my head up. Another wave catches me, and under I go. I am twisted into multiple directions, I can't see anything! I feel the impact of the waves, and suddenly- all is still. The sun is shining, the gulls are squawking. I push the strings of hair back behind my ear, and make my way towards shore. The waves continue, but I am safely on the sand. I can turn back and see behind me what I was just submersed under. Soon the under toe won't be as strong, soon the waves will become smaller and less intense. But I have to have my feet steady on solid ground.

A Wrecked Life

       How do I even begin? Jesus is wrecking my life into pieces...and He is going to bring it back together into something far more beautiful than I could ever imagine! What the Lord has allowed to happen in my life is not ideal, it wasn't asked for, it wasn't even dreamed of... Prior to all of this, life was great. There wasn't much to complain about, I had it good. And God saw that it was good...but saw that it could be even better. God has seen potential in this freshman college girl. So, as this girl wrapped her arms around the boy she's fallen in love with, was spun around and kissed one last time before bidding farewell forever; God reminded her "It's not the end, dear girl. This is only the beginning of the life I have in store for you."
          But, the unanswered questions I am left with are daunting. The broken heart that was thrown at me still aches. The emptiness inside of me longs for the boy I fell in love with...the same one who has hurt me deeper than any human ever could. The grief I am experiencing is real, too real. I am dealing with the death of the person I grew to love so much, and grappling with the idea that he is no longer the that same person. He has a long road ahead of him, and it's not a road I am meant to travel alongside.
               The spiritual warfare continues. I wake up multiple times during the night, drenched in cold sweat, gasping for air, and I hear the voices. "This will never end. You will always hurt. The wound will never heal. Look at what he has done to you, look at what God has done to you! End your life, that's the only way to escape!" I bury myself deep into my covers, panting, my heart feels frozen, I search for my teddy bear...can I be ten years old again? In those moments, it feels to heavy...I see no light. But, then I see those faces...those sweet, little innocent faces...bald heads, tattered clothing, they're singing..they're giggling, they're holding my hand, they call me mommy. I don't know where on earth these precious children are, but somewhere in this world the Lord is preparing a place for me to live someday, and I will care for these little lives, I will love them because Christ has shown me what unconditional love is.
             So I turn my lamp on, hoping not wake the roommate up. I reach for my Bible, although everything around me screams, "No! It's just a book!" I open to Proverbs. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on YOUR own understanding, but in ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and He WILL direct your path. 

          I glance on my shelf, a picture of a little Panamanian girl kissing my cheek greets me. The frames of a young high school couple happily in love have been taken down, and replacing them is a long piece of fabric, with an African family painted onto it, carrying water jugs atop their head. I slowly drift back off to sleep...
I'll wake again. The voices continue. My stomach churns. "How much longer can I do this?" I take a deep breathe, one hour at a time...And I somehow manage to fall asleep, reciting scripture.
The morning light greets me. This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it! 
Yes, let me glad in today, in tomorrow, and in the tears and laughter that the days may hold because Jesus is wrecking my life...into something far more beautiful that I could ever imagine! 

My Burden

Anyone who is reading this, please keep me in your prayers tomorrow (Monday) at 4:15...I am in need of the Lord's strength that only He can supply...pray that God will fill me with peace that surpasses all understanding...pray that He will surround me with angels who will guard me in all m ways...pray that the Holy Spirit would speak through me...Pray that my heart will be tender to God's will, and not my own. And pray this for the boy, too. He needs it more than me, I think.
"Lord, take my burden...it is too heavy to carry anymore...I cannot do this alone...Lift the sorrow off of my shoulders, show me the joy that You have for me. This is too much, God. Too much."