Belize

      My time spent in Belize this month was an absolute blessing and treasure from the Lord. It was exactly what I needed. The morning we caught our flight, I awoke at 4 A.M and for the first time in months, and I awoke smiling. I was anticipating the day, and what a great feeling that is! When we boarded our plane, I was all smiles again. I think my cheeks hurt from smiling the whole week!
               I wrote in my journal as we flew, "God is so good! I am 21,000 feet in the air, heading back to the country and it's people that stole my heart last year. The Lord has opened the door for me to return to Belize and I couldn't be happier! I am so ridiculously blessed. I know that God will use this heartache and grief of this semester so that I can tell others of His faithfulness, consistent provision and promises, and unending love for His beloved children. I really am just a broken vessel letting God be the navigator of these sails...and the waters have been rough. Sometimes it seems that the storm will never run out of wind and rain...can these waves get any bigger?! But, the Lord reaches out His hand. "Peace! Be still." He whispers in my ear, "You need only to be still, for the Lord your God will fight for you.". Yet, I still feel like the disciples, terrified and wondering what will happen to me! "Kaitlin, trust in Me with all your heart! Do not lean on your own understanding! In all your ways, acknowledge me and I will make your paths straight."
I reply back, "God! I'm hurt! I'm scared! What's ahead of me?!"
"My dear girl! Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified! For I am with you wherever you go."
I nod my head, but shut my eyes. I don't want to see this raging see right in front of me.
"My child..open your eyes to what I have been trying to show you. I am near, do not be afraid. Just follow where I lead. I am your navigator."
"Okay, I will follow You. Where You go, I go. Where You stay, I stay. Who You love, I love."
So today I opened my eyes. I didn't look at the raging sea. I looked ahead towards the horizon. Belize is on the horizon...and precious little children wait on the shoreline, thirsting for the love of Jesus Christ. Let the adventure begin!"
          So, as this year ends, I don't want to focus on what I lost, but on what I gained in the Lord. I have decided to fill my heart with what's important, and to be done with all the rest. I promised God at the start of 2012 that the year was for Him. And it was. Let this new year bring even more glory and praise to His name. I would be writing so much more about my trip, but I am packing for Passion 2013! (Headed to the Dome!!!)
And...let the adventure of 2013 begin!

Lessons from Above

       Well, you know it's been a rough semester when your bed sheets, pillow, and teddy bear are stained with smears of mascara, hah! But, glory to God- I have survived! I have survived this semester with a GPA of 3.7!! And I honestly do not know how except that I truly believe the Holy Spirit interceded for me on multiple occasions. I think of the days that I didn't even know a test was going to be given, the day of an exam that I hadn't slept in several nights, the nights of going to class with homework scribbled down, smudged because of the tears I had shed while attempting to do my best. THANK YOU, LORD! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I think this was another one of God's small way of showing me He provides. He provides the clarity of mind during an exam, He provides professors who were understanding. He provides. That has been a reoccurring theme the past few months of my life. The Lord gives and takes away, but blessed be His name! 
   In my community group, I had the opportunity to give a brief testimony...I really didn't want to, but I have also learned that God did not bring me through these trials to keep silent about His unending mercy, grace, provision, peace, comfort, love (the list could go on). I know I am to use this story He's been writing to share with others...so as I shared, not having a clue what I was going to say, I remember saying things I hadn't even fully comprehended myself. One of them being, is that I have learned the goodness of the Lord... the sovereign goodness of the Lord. Something I feel that is not preached in some churches is the fact that the Lord does take away...and sometimes He takes very good things away from us...Think of Job in the Bible! But, sometimes He takes something very good away because He sees that it can be even better....but we have to go through the refining fire first. During the time that He has taken away, He will always give us what we need to go on....God will always provide. His provisions do not necessarily come in the ways that we would like, but they are His perfect provisions, for He sees the entire story.
         This semester, provisions came in simple ways...ways that some would not even understand. To be entirely honest, God provided a T.V. show (Honey Boo Boo) to provide me with joy and laughter during the most difficult days. I remember being in my dorm's lobby, with other girls on my hall, famished, starving, and hurting...but, low and behold- Honey Boo Boo would make her appearance on T.V.! Haha! A dolla makes me holla, honey boo boo! I would find myself just howling in laughter, in those moments, I would forget the sadness- it was just too funny! And I honestly do thank God for that T.V. show...it gave momentary relief to the grief hovering over me. Another simple way, He provided little animals to bring me joy...a trip to Petsmart oneday let me forget what was happening as I walked around with a friend, petting people's little puppies, laughing at the hamsters, studying the uniqueness of each fish (Okay, I really am obsessed with animals, I admit. I just find them fascinating!) I have learned to thank God for the little blessings in life, for when I put my focus on what He has given me, it is so much easier to face the trials. It is through this mindset that we can see where God is giving, not just taking! When I lay down to sleep, and if I feel tempted to slip into wallowing in sadness, I begin listing in my head the blessings God has given me. Remember that childhood Sunday school song? "Count your blessings, name them one by one...count your many blessings see what God has done!" It helps, seriously.
  And He has also given me the opportunities to share my story with so many girls who have needed encouragement to take the next step. It amazes me...it's as though God has given me this door that has flown wide open, and by using my pain, my story, my struggle- others are so willing to listen to hear who God really is. My prayer is that this time in my life never becomes about me, but what God is doing through and for me. I desire for others to know the goodness and unending love of the Lord when they hear what I have gone through. I want my story to point others back to the cross. Because it is then that I can truly say that it was worth it. And I am beginning, just beginning, to see the reasons of why I will one day be able to look back on my freshman year, the tears I've cried, the pain I've endured, and be able to proclaim that I now understand that it was for the better...And when I declare that, I hope I can declare it with forgiveness in my spirit. One day, when I see him again, I want to be able to look him in the eyes- and say, "I forgive you. And thank you, thank you for being that person who walked out on me, so that God could take over. It was worth it."

    I don't know when I will be able to say that. That's going to take a lot, I mean, I am talking A LOT of interceding on the Holy Spirit's part. Because I am still learning...I am still learning what forgiveness truly is. I am still learning why this has happened. I am still learning to give everything to God.
(No, the last picture is not an old pic from the middle school peace-sign days. I have decided to live in the blessing of the Lord's peace.)

Running Free!

"I will run in the path of your commands, for You have set my heart free!"(Psalm 119:32) What a liberating verse! I will run in those paths...and I won't grow weary! My heart will be healed!
When I read this verse, I imagine myself sprinting across a field scattered with wildflowers of every color...the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, butterflies flutter away from my feet, and I throw my arms up in the air. My curls are bouncing with every step, my heart is soaring...my heart is free of the pain!!! I guess, after writing that, it kind of looks like a scene from the Sound of Music. (one of my favorites, by the way). I wonder when I will get to this point? When will I wake up with a whole heart? Every morning I wake up and I say, "This is the day the Lord has made! I will rejoice in it and be glad!" Sun or rain, I will rejoice!
Maybe one day my husband and I will run through a field of wildflowers together, with little orphans following at our heels. Haha- I don't know, I might have to force him to do that, though ;) Or perhaps we can beat on African drums together, feet red with clay, feasting on mangos and rice, holding a baby in one those slings wrapped around my back. Well, that is years away- but, I think it sounds like a nice dream to have though :)
But, what I am excited about that's not years away is flying to Belize in just 8 days! I can already taste the rice&black beans, I can smell the Belizian barbecue...I can feel the warm breeze...
The team and I had a packing party last night...if you could have just seen the room! Hundreds and hundreds of baby dolls, hair brushes, toothpaste, books, Bibles, shoes, hats, underwear...covered the floor! This will be Christmas for 660 homeless children in Belize City! Oh, oh, oh this is really happening! I am going back to the country that captivated my heart when I was just a junior in high school! The Lord is so good!
P.S.- I've been listening to this song all day as I study for my exams...I am praying the Lord will open up a door for me to serve somewhere in Africa this summer, but He keeps pointing me to another country...I still don't know where I will be this summer, but I know that it will be right where God wants me.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CG_chkskjk

Oh crap, she's up!

Y'all. I think Satan hates my guts. No, I KNOW he hates my guts. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I am running in the path of God's commands- because He has set my heart free!!
I can't even begin to write down all the instances the past weeks that I have felt his attacks...But, after one specific incident a few weeks ago, I said no more. The moment I realized what was happening, I pulled into a parking lot, and screamed. I didn't care if anyone saw or heard. I screamed in utter frustration, exhaustion, confusion, pain, but most of all- I screamed my prayer that the Lord would wrap His angels around me that He would shield me from even feeling the enemy's attacks. I beat my hands on my steering wheel, In Jesus Christ's name, I command you to leave me Satan! Try everything you can, but you cannot take my faith! Your attacks only make me stronger, leaving YOU weaker. The Lord my God is my shield, I will not fear you, I will rest in the shadow of the Almighty! I dwell in the shelter of the Most High, and nothing can pluck me from His hands. I command you to flee- now!
Ever since I prayed that prayer, hot, angry tears streaming down my face- I feel the Lord's strength. And I know that even what the enemy means for evil, God is turning it for my good...for His glory. His plans are still to prosper, He has not forgotten me. He is with me through the fire and the flood. He is faithful forever, perfect in love, He is sovereign over me.
And you know what else? Either Satan really has backed off, or the Lord is guarding me. I have never been one to ask God for his protection of angels, I don't know- maybe it's always seemed so "Hallmark" to me. But, I do not doubt the times I know He has placed His angels around me. I remember this one day, feeling at absolute ground-zero, and a woman from my church gathered me in her arms and began praying for me in her car. The more she prayed, the more I felt the presence of many...I can't explain it, and perhaps it was my imagination running wild, but the more she prayed, I felt so much peace...and an image appeared in my head, almost as if I was seeing it with my eyes. I saw the two of us, heads bowed, praying fervently to the Lord, and I saw a "heavenly host" of angels surrounding the car...they made a circle around the van, their heads bowed as well. I never opened my eyes during that prayer, but the feeling of other presences surrounding us was so strong. Looking back, I don't doubt the fact that the Lord has surrounded me with His guardian angels...to quiet me in my sleep, to walk alongside me to class, to protect me from any other outside harm.
All that being said, when my feet hit the floor in the morning...I like to picture Satan and his little demons screaming in disgust. "Nooooo! She's up, AGAIN!" I smile to myself as I get dressed for the day, Yes, I am up, AGAIN. Satan has not won, I am still living for God. Let the adventure begin... 

God, I NEED you

The title says it all. I need God. I don't just love God, I don't just worship God, I don't just pray to God...I need God. This semester has shown me my utter dependence on Him...The Lord is my strength, cliche- but I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for my relationship with Christ.

Last night I took a trip down memory lane...A drawer held my past three years- photos of prom, date nights and kisses scattered around the many journals and handwritten letters containing heartfelt promises and wild emotions. Pressed flowers and notes passed in secrecy are found at the bottom, and tears make their way to my eyes. It really was a good relationship...it really was. We were each other's first love and the holder to one another's secrets, thoughts, and dreams. We grew up together, we cried together, we ended what we truly believed could be forever. And not once was it in my will. Not once was this what I felt God telling me. Not once do I feel that this was in the Lord's plans. But, He is working good through it.
This week, I learned that his eyes now follow another girl...my heart sunk, am I not good enough? No! No! I am good enough, I am worth it! He is the one who is not worth it now. In Christ, I am complete. In Christ, I am priceless! In Christ I find my identity.
I gathered a bundle of old letters and pictures and set them ablaze in my yard's fire pit. I stood there on the brick, hopping from one foot to the next, trying to keep warm, angry tears spilling down my cheeks.    Smoke engulfed my nostrils, stinging my eyes, I almost wished he was here to witness that I no longer hold onto him. A little Taylor Swift therapy, burning the past...setting my dreams ablaze, watching them burn to ashes...now, letting God take these ashes and allowing Him to create something so beautiful out of it. But, for now, the ashes lay in the pit...as if to remind me that what used to be, is now obliterated.
Everything in me screams to drive over to his home, to demand answers, to let him see what he longer holds. Yet, I have more dignity than that. I am better than that. I will not pursue the one who trampled my heart, no, I am waiting for the Lord to bring the right man into my life who will guard my heart, who will see me as a daughter of the King, a woman who longs to share the adventure of life with my husband someday. I pray for a man who will accompany me to foreign countries, love on the least of these, and protect and cherish the woman that God is creating me to be. I wonder where he is...

Rich in Blessings- What a Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I thank God for His consistent provision and promises in my life. The Lord gives and takes away, but blessed be His name! I am beginning to learn what Paul meant in Philippians 4 when he writes to the church in Philippi about learning to be content in all things. Here was this man, chained, locked up, and heavens to betsy- he had never even married (okay, that's just a personal side note, but still) and he was being imprisoned for following Christ's commands of spreading His word to the ends of the earth. Paul was stoned, starved, beaten, shipwrecked, etc. and he was still able to honestly proclaim that he was content in his circumstances. Surely, I can learn to be thankful in my trials.
I awoke and after thinking for a while, I felt so blessed this morning. Yet, I had to actively make that choice. I initially awoke from another disagreeable dream (this dream occurs nearly every night over and over, I see him, I walk up and give a loving hug and he shoves me away, turns his back- and begins to walk down a long road, hands in his pocket, shoulders slouched. I'll follow, and he continues pushing me away- without ever looking at my face) But this morning, I chose to be joyful...it is a day to celebrate all the blessings in my life! And holy cow, I really do have a lot.
Here are just a couple of recent blessings:
        -I am now Aunt Kate!!! I think my heart may burst in happiness and joy!..My first niece, Felicity Joy, was born this month and how perfect her name fits her (Felicity means happiness in latin). She is such a blessing from God...I have spent every day this thanksgiving break holding her, cuddling her, changing diapers and just studying this precious little face that makes me forget any sorrow. Aunthood is incredible already.
          -Another blessing from God... last year I went on a mission trip to Belize. I completely fell in love with the country, the culture, and its' people...ever since, I have prayed for a way to go back. Well, in exactly three weeks I will be boarding a plane to go back to this country that stole my heart! God is so good...
         -My family who is so supportive of me, loving me every day as I go through this. My friends, who have cried with me, laughed with me, prayed with me, encouraged me, distracted me etc. And an uplifting university...the campus is filled with the Holy Spirit and as I walk to class each day, I can see Christ's love just shining through so many of faces that either attend or work here.
                                                I am rich in the blessings of the Lord! 
                                                 

War Cries

"I won't give up on us, I will always fight for you, I will never stop loving you."
Was it really just seven weeks ago these sweet words were whispered in my ear, bundled up on his campus' field, the coming of autumn was felt through the chilled wind. My heart was smiling, warm and in love, I kissed his cheek,"I am so blessed! We are so blessed. Look how far God has brought us."
           Seven weeks later, I stare out my window. Burnt red and glowing orange leaves blow past my window, and my heart sinks. He stopped fighting for me. He stopped pursuing me. Without any warning, he quit his game of love. 
           I remember a summer day, swimming in the lake together, and as we rested on our floats, he asked me, "What is your biggest wound in life?" We had just finished reading both Captivating and Wild at Heart. I had to think for a moment...I didn't have a 'biggest wound'. We continued on with our day, never having a clue that the deepest wound he would someday cause. This wound goes deeper than just a break up, this wound penetrates my very soul, and it can only healed by the Lord... Sometimes it hurts too bad, it hurts to realize that he stopped fighting for me. I can't explain it, but it absolutely just pierces somewhere in my heart that goes so deep, I didn't know existed in me. It's as if I'm not worth it. And that's when Satan just has a hoedown. He just loves to whisper in my ear that I'm not worth it, that I am not beautiful enough to be loved, that I can't possibly find true love now that this boy has thrown my heart away.
          For five hours I laid on my bed the other night and sobbed. I felt as though there were bricks on my chest, I couldn't breathe...I tried to take a breath, and it was if I was being strangled. I couldn't even move my body. In moments like those, there seems to be only way to escape the pain. But it's a lie. It's a lie from the enemy himself, and I have to remind myself- If Satan sees my life as something to attack, then he must know of some HUGE plans God has in store for...plans that make Satan and his followers shake in fear! The Lord reminded me, as I laid there thinking thoughts from the devil himself, "You have a calling in life, a calling that I have given to you, my dear daughter. Do not give up now, this is only the beginning." I flung tissues off my bed.
          "God- I am tired of your calling! Give it to someone else! I don't want it if this is what it causes."
          "My child, you do not see what this calling will cause...it will transform lives, it will bring healing to the broken, it will wipe away the tears of many, it will begin a revolution in hearts and lives- you need to only let Me work through You. It is worth it. I am and will use you, I am not done with you!"
        "But it hurts."
        "I will use the pain to advance my kingdom."
        "What if don't want to be used."
         An image of those children (I still don't know who or where they are) flashes before me...their eyes hunger for love, their little hands ache for a mommy's touch, their hearts cry out for something more.
        "Did you that, my child? Did you see those children? They need you, because they need Me."
         I know that I am not just fighting a battle of a broken heart and missing my first love, but I am fighting a battle that Satan is loving...a battle to distract me from how God wants to use me, a battle to discourage me, a battle to bring me down and keep me focused on anything but the Lord and how He can work in me during this trial. I thank God I am able to recognize who it is that is attacking and that I know how to rebuke him! (Ephesians 6:11)