Choosing Forgiveness

"It's the hardest thing to give away. It's the last thing on your mind to say." It's forgiveness. 
This month God laid on my heart to forgive. Not to just extend grace, but to forgive. Unforgiveness only leaves a person to be a prisoner of their own bitterness. It's a spiritual poison, really. To not forgive someone is like us saying, "Jesus did this awesome thing for me where He forgave me all my sins, and I want to be more like Jesus, just not towards you."

For a while, I didn't want to forgive. The pain I felt was just too real. Then, I didn't think I even could forgive. How do you forgive when no apology is even given?..The same way Christ asked His father to forgive those who persecuted Him, "For they know not what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) I am learning every day that forgiveness is a daily thing and an active choice. And it's not easy. So, this month I decided in my heart that just as I chose to love, I will choose to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't speak hatred, forgiveness doesn't harbor anger, forgiveness doesn't allow room for bitterness to grow...Forgiveness is what I have been commanded to do by God, despite circumstances, despite pain. Forgiveness is the biggest step to healing. My heart is being set free...

(These pictures were taken on my mission trip this past December in Belize City, Belize)

Awaken

"I come alive, come alive, when you speak to me....Awake, awake! Awake my soul! God, resurrect these bones! From death to life, for you alone, awake my soul!"
How else do I put it? I feel alive. ALIVE! It's as if I wake up with a new breath in me...This is the Lord breathing into my life, my lungs are filled, my mind saturated, and my heart is healing...
I feel reenergized...I laughed so hard I can't breathe, I fall asleep with a smile on my face, I walk to class with a new bounce in my step, I stuff my face with fried chicken and macaroni&cheese, and at night I dream of a future, not of a past. I carry myself with a joy that I pray spills over into every aspect of my life...I no longer feel like the broken-hearted girl, but a woman who has experienced the healing mercy of a heavenly Father.
P.S.- As soon as I get more details, I will reveal yet another answered prayer from God. All I can say is that GOD IS AT WORK 

"Whoaaaa, hear the sound from heaven!"

How do I summarize four days spent in the Georgia Dome with over 60,000 college students worshipping the same God? Heavenly. So, so divine and heavenly!  
The Lord used Passion 2013 to revive and restore me. Every moment spent in the dome, it was as if God was telling me over and over, "Look, daughter! Look! I have been restoring you...you are coming alive in Me!" 

I felt that Passion 2013 was a celebration for me. A celebration of the year of 2012, a celebration that the Lord has brought me to my knees, a celebration for everything He has done! I have so much to celebrate!! I can truly say that I have never been so happy in my life. The joy that was felt in the Dome was indescribable. The Holy Spirt was definitely felt and was moving in the hearts of thousands. There were so many moments during worship that I would just close my eyes and hear the echoes of all the voices singing praises to our KING! And then I'd hear that familiar whisper again, "My child, do you remember? I told you that the pain that you've been feeling cannot compare the joy that's coming! Feel this joy...feel this freedom! I am setting your heart free...I have healed it, you are free! You are free to run, you are free to dance! You are free to live for me. I have bound up your wounds, just like I promised."
If there was one thing that was made even clearer it was the fact that the Lord has given me these desires and dreams to go overseas and work with orphans and the less fortunate children. As we sung, prayed, and meditated- God would literally reveal glimpses of the life He has for me....a brief view of a child's grimy hand holding mine, the sound of their laughter, a line of barefooted, dark-skinned children giggling in the sun...I see them. I don't know who they are- but the Lord will lead me...And as the congregation of 60,000 students reflected and prayed, I know this was the Holy Spirit, again, at work in me. It is only when I become busy with my life and my plans, that these reoccurring dreams feel insignificant, as if its just my imagination. But, when I look back onto when I have heard God's voice the clearest, it is when I have allowed myself to rest in His word, to renew my mind, and to focus on the things above.
Every night and morning we would break into community groups of about 800, which would then break down into family groups of 8. On the last morning, our leader of the community group asked everyone to stand up who felt God calling them to go overseas to spread the Gospel and who were ready to proclaim that they were going to be obedient to their calling. When I heard the question, I realized I had never publicly confirmed that I was willing to go. And I knew it was time. I stood up, feeling a giant lump form in my throat as I watched dozens of other students my age standing up. These are my brothers and sisters who will be serving with me on the mission field someday. As my family group gathered around me and prayed over me, the tears began to spill over. God is so good. I listened the sound of their prayers, praying for me, and I suddenly became so grateful...The pain I experienced this past semester was actually my protection. The Lord protected me from following the wrong path, the wrong spouse, the wrong life. My pain has been my preparation for greater things to come. 
~Oh, I wish I could describe every moment experienced at Passion...the presence of our Holy God was so, so real. There were so many moments I just felt tears welling up, tears because I was realizing all over again how great our God is. 

Belize

      My time spent in Belize this month was an absolute blessing and treasure from the Lord. It was exactly what I needed. The morning we caught our flight, I awoke at 4 A.M and for the first time in months, and I awoke smiling. I was anticipating the day, and what a great feeling that is! When we boarded our plane, I was all smiles again. I think my cheeks hurt from smiling the whole week!
               I wrote in my journal as we flew, "God is so good! I am 21,000 feet in the air, heading back to the country and it's people that stole my heart last year. The Lord has opened the door for me to return to Belize and I couldn't be happier! I am so ridiculously blessed. I know that God will use this heartache and grief of this semester so that I can tell others of His faithfulness, consistent provision and promises, and unending love for His beloved children. I really am just a broken vessel letting God be the navigator of these sails...and the waters have been rough. Sometimes it seems that the storm will never run out of wind and rain...can these waves get any bigger?! But, the Lord reaches out His hand. "Peace! Be still." He whispers in my ear, "You need only to be still, for the Lord your God will fight for you.". Yet, I still feel like the disciples, terrified and wondering what will happen to me! "Kaitlin, trust in Me with all your heart! Do not lean on your own understanding! In all your ways, acknowledge me and I will make your paths straight."
I reply back, "God! I'm hurt! I'm scared! What's ahead of me?!"
"My dear girl! Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified! For I am with you wherever you go."
I nod my head, but shut my eyes. I don't want to see this raging see right in front of me.
"My child..open your eyes to what I have been trying to show you. I am near, do not be afraid. Just follow where I lead. I am your navigator."
"Okay, I will follow You. Where You go, I go. Where You stay, I stay. Who You love, I love."
So today I opened my eyes. I didn't look at the raging sea. I looked ahead towards the horizon. Belize is on the horizon...and precious little children wait on the shoreline, thirsting for the love of Jesus Christ. Let the adventure begin!"
          So, as this year ends, I don't want to focus on what I lost, but on what I gained in the Lord. I have decided to fill my heart with what's important, and to be done with all the rest. I promised God at the start of 2012 that the year was for Him. And it was. Let this new year bring even more glory and praise to His name. I would be writing so much more about my trip, but I am packing for Passion 2013! (Headed to the Dome!!!)
And...let the adventure of 2013 begin!

Lessons from Above

       Well, you know it's been a rough semester when your bed sheets, pillow, and teddy bear are stained with smears of mascara, hah! But, glory to God- I have survived! I have survived this semester with a GPA of 3.7!! And I honestly do not know how except that I truly believe the Holy Spirit interceded for me on multiple occasions. I think of the days that I didn't even know a test was going to be given, the day of an exam that I hadn't slept in several nights, the nights of going to class with homework scribbled down, smudged because of the tears I had shed while attempting to do my best. THANK YOU, LORD! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I think this was another one of God's small way of showing me He provides. He provides the clarity of mind during an exam, He provides professors who were understanding. He provides. That has been a reoccurring theme the past few months of my life. The Lord gives and takes away, but blessed be His name! 
   In my community group, I had the opportunity to give a brief testimony...I really didn't want to, but I have also learned that God did not bring me through these trials to keep silent about His unending mercy, grace, provision, peace, comfort, love (the list could go on). I know I am to use this story He's been writing to share with others...so as I shared, not having a clue what I was going to say, I remember saying things I hadn't even fully comprehended myself. One of them being, is that I have learned the goodness of the Lord... the sovereign goodness of the Lord. Something I feel that is not preached in some churches is the fact that the Lord does take away...and sometimes He takes very good things away from us...Think of Job in the Bible! But, sometimes He takes something very good away because He sees that it can be even better....but we have to go through the refining fire first. During the time that He has taken away, He will always give us what we need to go on....God will always provide. His provisions do not necessarily come in the ways that we would like, but they are His perfect provisions, for He sees the entire story.
         This semester, provisions came in simple ways...ways that some would not even understand. To be entirely honest, God provided a T.V. show (Honey Boo Boo) to provide me with joy and laughter during the most difficult days. I remember being in my dorm's lobby, with other girls on my hall, famished, starving, and hurting...but, low and behold- Honey Boo Boo would make her appearance on T.V.! Haha! A dolla makes me holla, honey boo boo! I would find myself just howling in laughter, in those moments, I would forget the sadness- it was just too funny! And I honestly do thank God for that T.V. show...it gave momentary relief to the grief hovering over me. Another simple way, He provided little animals to bring me joy...a trip to Petsmart oneday let me forget what was happening as I walked around with a friend, petting people's little puppies, laughing at the hamsters, studying the uniqueness of each fish (Okay, I really am obsessed with animals, I admit. I just find them fascinating!) I have learned to thank God for the little blessings in life, for when I put my focus on what He has given me, it is so much easier to face the trials. It is through this mindset that we can see where God is giving, not just taking! When I lay down to sleep, and if I feel tempted to slip into wallowing in sadness, I begin listing in my head the blessings God has given me. Remember that childhood Sunday school song? "Count your blessings, name them one by one...count your many blessings see what God has done!" It helps, seriously.
  And He has also given me the opportunities to share my story with so many girls who have needed encouragement to take the next step. It amazes me...it's as though God has given me this door that has flown wide open, and by using my pain, my story, my struggle- others are so willing to listen to hear who God really is. My prayer is that this time in my life never becomes about me, but what God is doing through and for me. I desire for others to know the goodness and unending love of the Lord when they hear what I have gone through. I want my story to point others back to the cross. Because it is then that I can truly say that it was worth it. And I am beginning, just beginning, to see the reasons of why I will one day be able to look back on my freshman year, the tears I've cried, the pain I've endured, and be able to proclaim that I now understand that it was for the better...And when I declare that, I hope I can declare it with forgiveness in my spirit. One day, when I see him again, I want to be able to look him in the eyes- and say, "I forgive you. And thank you, thank you for being that person who walked out on me, so that God could take over. It was worth it."

    I don't know when I will be able to say that. That's going to take a lot, I mean, I am talking A LOT of interceding on the Holy Spirit's part. Because I am still learning...I am still learning what forgiveness truly is. I am still learning why this has happened. I am still learning to give everything to God.
(No, the last picture is not an old pic from the middle school peace-sign days. I have decided to live in the blessing of the Lord's peace.)

Running Free!

"I will run in the path of your commands, for You have set my heart free!"(Psalm 119:32) What a liberating verse! I will run in those paths...and I won't grow weary! My heart will be healed!
When I read this verse, I imagine myself sprinting across a field scattered with wildflowers of every color...the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, butterflies flutter away from my feet, and I throw my arms up in the air. My curls are bouncing with every step, my heart is soaring...my heart is free of the pain!!! I guess, after writing that, it kind of looks like a scene from the Sound of Music. (one of my favorites, by the way). I wonder when I will get to this point? When will I wake up with a whole heart? Every morning I wake up and I say, "This is the day the Lord has made! I will rejoice in it and be glad!" Sun or rain, I will rejoice!
Maybe one day my husband and I will run through a field of wildflowers together, with little orphans following at our heels. Haha- I don't know, I might have to force him to do that, though ;) Or perhaps we can beat on African drums together, feet red with clay, feasting on mangos and rice, holding a baby in one those slings wrapped around my back. Well, that is years away- but, I think it sounds like a nice dream to have though :)
But, what I am excited about that's not years away is flying to Belize in just 8 days! I can already taste the rice&black beans, I can smell the Belizian barbecue...I can feel the warm breeze...
The team and I had a packing party last night...if you could have just seen the room! Hundreds and hundreds of baby dolls, hair brushes, toothpaste, books, Bibles, shoes, hats, underwear...covered the floor! This will be Christmas for 660 homeless children in Belize City! Oh, oh, oh this is really happening! I am going back to the country that captivated my heart when I was just a junior in high school! The Lord is so good!
P.S.- I've been listening to this song all day as I study for my exams...I am praying the Lord will open up a door for me to serve somewhere in Africa this summer, but He keeps pointing me to another country...I still don't know where I will be this summer, but I know that it will be right where God wants me.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CG_chkskjk

Oh crap, she's up!

Y'all. I think Satan hates my guts. No, I KNOW he hates my guts. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I am running in the path of God's commands- because He has set my heart free!!
I can't even begin to write down all the instances the past weeks that I have felt his attacks...But, after one specific incident a few weeks ago, I said no more. The moment I realized what was happening, I pulled into a parking lot, and screamed. I didn't care if anyone saw or heard. I screamed in utter frustration, exhaustion, confusion, pain, but most of all- I screamed my prayer that the Lord would wrap His angels around me that He would shield me from even feeling the enemy's attacks. I beat my hands on my steering wheel, In Jesus Christ's name, I command you to leave me Satan! Try everything you can, but you cannot take my faith! Your attacks only make me stronger, leaving YOU weaker. The Lord my God is my shield, I will not fear you, I will rest in the shadow of the Almighty! I dwell in the shelter of the Most High, and nothing can pluck me from His hands. I command you to flee- now!
Ever since I prayed that prayer, hot, angry tears streaming down my face- I feel the Lord's strength. And I know that even what the enemy means for evil, God is turning it for my good...for His glory. His plans are still to prosper, He has not forgotten me. He is with me through the fire and the flood. He is faithful forever, perfect in love, He is sovereign over me.
And you know what else? Either Satan really has backed off, or the Lord is guarding me. I have never been one to ask God for his protection of angels, I don't know- maybe it's always seemed so "Hallmark" to me. But, I do not doubt the times I know He has placed His angels around me. I remember this one day, feeling at absolute ground-zero, and a woman from my church gathered me in her arms and began praying for me in her car. The more she prayed, the more I felt the presence of many...I can't explain it, and perhaps it was my imagination running wild, but the more she prayed, I felt so much peace...and an image appeared in my head, almost as if I was seeing it with my eyes. I saw the two of us, heads bowed, praying fervently to the Lord, and I saw a "heavenly host" of angels surrounding the car...they made a circle around the van, their heads bowed as well. I never opened my eyes during that prayer, but the feeling of other presences surrounding us was so strong. Looking back, I don't doubt the fact that the Lord has surrounded me with His guardian angels...to quiet me in my sleep, to walk alongside me to class, to protect me from any other outside harm.
All that being said, when my feet hit the floor in the morning...I like to picture Satan and his little demons screaming in disgust. "Nooooo! She's up, AGAIN!" I smile to myself as I get dressed for the day, Yes, I am up, AGAIN. Satan has not won, I am still living for God. Let the adventure begin...