Blister my feet

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made strongerIn the presence of my Saviour" - Oceans by Hillsong United

Heavy heart tonight. Take me back. Take me back to those starving for truth, hungering for a life worth living.

Blister my feet against soil never toiled.

Fill my bag with countless seeds to sow (Matthew 13)...Spirit lead me to the ready ground. Overflow my cup with living Water to hydrate the thirsty.

Focus me, embrace me as I steady myself again on American dirt...remembering the faces whom I loved before I knew. Open the gates to proclaim in boldness what You have done for creation, your beautiful creation of 7 billion...and specifically to proclaim to a beautiful group of 31 million motherless who call the land of silks and spices home without a shelter.

(Photo taken at the Ganges River this summer. A holy river for the Hindus...the murky gray from the bodies' ashes, sent on their journey to reincarnation) 

Her name is Miriam.

I say it with a smile on my face, as if it's a secret written on my heart, like one that a mother discovers when she realizes she's late, and that little blue line whispers that change and growth is on the way, in the best way possible.
I'm expecting.
I am expecting and anticipating a daughter through a beautiful, complicated little thing called adoption.
Due date? TBA.
Father? Unknown.
Birth mom? Unknown.

...The Lord has called me to adopt.
A little girl will be mine, and in my arms she'll know love, motherly love, and eventually she'll know fatherly love- from a King above!

I know very little about the process, but I do know the hardships of this journey, I know the financial and emotional need it requires. But, I know there's a little girl out there. Perhaps she's merely half a gamete at the moment. Maybe the one who is carrying this gamete is just a child herself, fetching water at the well, bare skin glistening in sweat, and a toothless smile.

A little ridiculous, some quietly think. I'm a twenty year old college sophomore, currently failing Spanish, rushing to field placements, and surviving on ramen and coffee. Signs of marriage are most definitely not on the current horizon, and student loans silently stack up. But, I have a heart to offer this child. A heart that will love without condition. A heart that prays for her everyday...gamete or not :)

Adoption has always been on my heart, and this summer confirmed it. Traveling around the poorest state in India, the birthplace of Hinduism, and watching the countless children starving from malnutrition, sunken in pain from a life of selling their little bodies on manured streets, shimmying up Mango trees in loin clothes- my heart cried out! The Lord has given a tender desire, a desire that will cause me many tears and long nights, a desire that is worth it.

Prayers went up all summer over this desire. Really, Lord? You're telling me to do what?Yes, it only made sense. It only made sense that as I watched the city lights of Delhi grow dimmer and dimmer as we flew into the horizon that I knew I would see similar lights below me again, with a little one below waiting for her new mommy.

It only made sense that as we went to new "house" (hut) churches, and we would pass the naked children on the street that inevitably my eyes filled with that familiar, salty water again, that all I could think of was the day that I'd be free to come rescue and deliver these children from the slavery.

But, it isn't just one little girl that I know I'll be mothering. Many, many little ones will fill my arms and heart in this life. Yet, this one. This one; this one is the catalyst. It is not exclusive, this desire of mine. Although, this particular little girl has been laid on my heart...I walked the beach up and down for miles when I arrived home from India. My daughter, my daughter! Where are you? Who are you?

"Yes, my daughter! Pray for her. Pray for this one. Pray for her mother walking this earth right now. Pray without ceasing- I am doing immeasurably more. Close your eyes, do you feel your heartbeat? I gave you that beat. The cry of your heart is of me, pursue it, fight for it...she is worth it. They all are." - He answered.

The passion hasn't dimmed. It only grows. I refer to her as my daughter, gamete or not, she is more than an idea put into my head- she will be a little life that will serve as a testament to God's faithfulness. I wondered for weeks, for months really, what I would call her. I am expecting and anticipating motherhood and hunger to pray for her by name. Years later, this name will have a face. But for now?
Her name is Miriam. 

Yahweh's beloved. 

Immeasurably More

In less than 24 hours I will be boarding a plane in New Jersey bound for South Asia. Is this real life?! As I look back over my life, it becomes so evident that the Lord has been preparing me for this specific journey. This past year has been painful, wearisome, confusing and altogether exhausting. Yet, in the midst of all the chaos, the peace of the Lord was so present. During the days that my mind and heart cried for an end, the Spirit was there...gently whispering, "Wait, dear girl. Wait and see the plans I have for you. Your life has really just begun...and I am about to do immeasurably more." So I held on. I held on to that "immeasurably more" I was promised, knowing not what it could possibly contain...until today. Today, that immeasurably more consists of a plane ticket, a suitcase filled with pepto-bismal and bug spray, and a heart that is eager to love the people who will forever impact my life.
Please be in prayer for our team, for the unity, health, and safety as we travel to the villages. But, most importantly, pray for the hearts of those whom we will encounter. Pray that the Holy Spirit begins to soften their hearts, preparing them to hear of the salvation found in Christ. For the past semester, my prayer has been for the Spirit to intercede on our behalf, filling these villager's with dreams and visions of Christ, making known to them their need for a Savior, intensifying their thirst for life in abundance.
To God be the glory as we embark on this adventure...!

Support the Mission to South Asia

Hey everyone! In two weeks, I will be boarding a plane to take me to the other side of the world! I am just too excited about doing the Lord's work in villages that have never heard His name. But, I still have half the funds to raise...will you commit to supporting me spiritually (through the power of prayer) and financially, if the Spirit leads? My physical feet may be the ones taking God's word, but many brothers & sisters in Christ are also joining me through their commitment to support.

http://www.gofundme.com/2tdtio

Love Already?

Is it possible to love a village of people whom I've never laid eyes on?
    I am burdened for the family that lives in the bondage of fear, knowing not the power of Jesus. I'm horrified for the little boy who works night shifts at the crematorium. I weep for the little girl whose father bought the one-way train ticket leading to a rapacious man, his bag filled with chains, lipstick, and women's high-heels. I ache for the child widow, shunned to society, forced to scavenge for food. I am burdened for the little orphans who fall sleep without a mother's hug.
     I don't even know their names, but I think of them every day. My heart longs to be in a tiny village on the other side of this planet. Currently, though, I am lounging in my dorm at 2a.m., and a research paper waits that desperately needs to be written, soon. But, I wish my feet were caked in the red, dry dirt. I wish my hands were sticky from spiced rice and dollar-store bubbles.
My babies are 10,000 miles away. I am coming, sweet ones. I am coming. But more importantly, Jesus already has. Show them your love, Father. Wrap them in your peace and joy.

A Life Worth Living

I want to run where the streets have no name
I want to stargaze in the field, filled with wonder
I want to taste the curry on my tongue
I want to hold those little children
And whisper in their ear how very loved they are
I will drink the chai and tell of a hero who died
But rose again, victoriously
While I sit on the hut's dirt floor, smelling the spices
Wrapping myself in a sari, I'll embrace their culture
My white skin will be known throughout villages
But I pray that my Jesus will be seen
Singing lullabies as dusk approaches
To little ones far too used to nights of empty tummies
Never knowing a mother's embrace
As I hike the Himalayas, I desire to be the feet of Christ
Discovering the beauty of creation
Riding atop elephants on mountainous terrain
I will bathe in muddy water, as dirty as my sins
I am going to give myself away serving my savior in the land of South Asia*
Far, far away
With greater things to come

I wrote this freeverse as I was riding in the truck with a group of friends headed down to Florida for spring break. (Thank the Lord for friendships that would rather relax on the warm sand instead of erasing dignity one bottle at a time). As we drove, I'd look out the window and my eyes would meet pairs of desperate eyes of other springbreakers, anxiously waiting a few more hours to drink pain&memories away, hoping to gain the needed affirmation. It broke my heart. I knew the desperation to forget, to erase, to numb it all, but I knew of a source far better. Suddenly, a week at the beach with friends from college (even if we were sober) couldn't compare to my longing to be in that village, 10,000 miles away. So, I whipped out my iPad and typed what my heart desires more than anything. And it's just 48 days away. THIS is a life worth living. GOD IS SO GOOD. 

I Will Follow

Curry, saris, elephants, monkeys...and thirty-one million orphans. Can you guess what my plane ticket says this summer? This May through August I will be serving in South Asia! Flash back six months ago and I would have had no idea that this is what the Lord has in store for me this summer...I love how God works! And I love this story He's been writing, too.
Do I even need to begin this post with how much I've always been fascinated/passionate about the orphans in the world? As a little girl, I'd beg my mom to read me books about those "children without mommies and daddies" and as I got older, my passion for these children only increased. Prior to college, I'd try to ignore that tugging I felt at my heart...I knew that my plan was going to work out anyways, I mean, pshh- I had it all figured out and working overseas with orphans was definitely not exactly a part of it.
I remember having this dream when I moved to college. In it, I was riding this bus down a red, dirt path in a third world country. As we rounded the corner, I could hear the cries of happiness and squeals of delight. I looked up and saw hundreds and hundreds of orphans. Barefoot, tattered clothing, not a penny to their name but the joy was contagious. I said aloud in my dream, "THIS! This is what the Lord has called me to do. THIS is what makes my heart beat."
When I awoke, I felt overwhelmed. The dream felt so real, but it didn't go with my current plan for life. Not to mention, why did I say, "This is what makes my heart beat?"- I had no idea.
Flash forward a few weeks later when I felt my world crashing down. I'm on my parent's bed, watching a Passion 2012 music video (with no idea what Passion was). My body feels numb, my heart bleeding sorrow, but suddenly something began to stir inside of me. The sight of those children standing on a trash pile in the busy city of Mumbai struck something in me. I truly felt the Lord speaking to me, and I could only respond in sobbing, for it was the first moment of clarity. "My dear daughter, this is why it had to happen. You were made for great things. I have given you a desire that goes beyond what you imagine for yourself. Allow me to break you, to wreck your life, and let me show you what living in abundance in Me looks like."
After that moment, I knew what I had to do. I was terrified, I was confused, but I was determined to do something radical for Jesus Christ.
I began contacting ministries, missionaries, and organizations that send college students overseas to serve. As I would interview, apply, and talk to them, I'd ask about serving in Uganda. Every time they replied with a, "We don't have a position for that, but have you considered South Asia*?"
"No, not really." - In fact, South Asia* was probably the least favored country to go to.
But, I continued searching and praying. Through multiple interviews and talking on the phone, it became uncanny, really, that South Asia was consistently the country brought up. I didn't understand why this seemed to be the only place available after contacting so many different people! So, I began to really pray.
"Lord, I don't think South Asia is for me. I don't even know anything about the country or the culture."
That month, I was assigned a 10 page research paper in my English class on the culture of...you guessed it, South Asia. But, I still didn't want to go, I had other ideas. And so did God.
"Okay, God. Okay, fine. If South Asia is where you want me to serve, then I need you to give me a passion so strong that I wouldn't even be able to consider going to Uganda. Give me a desire that outweighs any other desire in me. Stir in me a love for these people, a love that I cannot even explain." - Hahaha, I thought I was giving God an impossible task, really, I did.
God must've laughed.
"Okay, daughter. Let me show who sits on this throne."
Soon, my dreams at night and my thoughts during the day were consumed with South Asia. I'd sit in class, googling "orphans in South Asia*", pinning pin after pin on pinterest of these sweet, little brown faces...it was all I could think. I'd stay up late into the night watching documentaries made of the country, reading any blog I could find on the internet about it. While I was in Belize, my favorite place in the world, my mind was half way across the world...I didn't understand, until I realized that the Lord had answered that crazy prayer of mine.
I applied for a position to work at an orphanage in South Asia through a ministry and was accepted a few weeks later! Thrilled doesn't even describe how happy I was. It was surreal. We began making plans, talking about flights...and then my friends began pressuring me to apply for a position through a ministry on my campus. I refused to, I had already been accepted by another anyways!, but submitted my application at the last minute.
I received an email a week later asking me to attend an all-day interview for the position. I was hesitant and exited out of the email. That moment, I received a phonecall.
"Kaitlin? I am so sorry, but your trip to South Asia fell through...I know this is a disappointment, but we still have a position available for Uganda if you'd like to consider that."
It was in that moment I knew the Lord was testing me. Was I really going to follow after Him and go where He leads? Or was I going to go the comfortable route, to where my heart longed to go?
I took a deep breath. I didn't know what lay ahead of me, I didn't know why it was happening, but I took a step of faith and told her, "That is disappointing, but I can't accept Uganda. I have to go to South Asia this summer."
The next week I was at the all-day interview with 80 other college students, interviewing again to serve in an orphanage in South Asia. While I was there, I was struck with fear. Lots of fear. I suddenly felt like a crazy person, why was I voluntarily sacrificing my entire summer to live in a remote village with no electricity, to bathe in rives with hippos, and to wash the grimy little bodies day after day? I had an urge to walk out of there, right then, and to find something a little more sane for the summer. Until I heard the pastor's words.
"Students- listen to me. Whether you are building wells in Africa or loving the orphans in South Asia, when you can look around at what you're doing and say THIS is what makes my heart beat!- Then you know that's what the Lord has called you do."
Goosebumps arose on my arms. Were those not the exact words I had spoken in my dreams, before I was aware of anything that was to come? The same words I was puzzled about, wrote about in my journal, and told my mom that day about my "strange dream". This wasn't coincidence. God was shining through once again, directing my steps, and affirming them.
A week later I received an email. "Congratulations! You have been accepted to South Asia!"
51 more days. 51 more days till I become a mommy for a summer. A teacher for a village. A disciple in the darkness. A follower of Christ for a lifetime.

*For security reasons, the name of the country cannot be revealed due to to international security reasons. South Asia is a broad geographical location, to help conceal the missionaries who work in this country.*
These pictures were all taken on my Belize trip (while my mind was wandering to South Asia...)